Friday, March 6, 2009

Want (originally published on 6.15.08)

I want to start off by saying that I know I'm lucky and I so grateful for everything I have. I have the most amazing friends a person could as for. I just wanted to clarify that before I launch into what I am about to type so you understand that I am not a whiny bitch by any means.

I can not admit what I want to myself.

Typing that makes me feel so incredibly stupid but it's true. I am completely confused in almost every aspect of my life. I have no idea what I want out of a career (yes, I am aware that NO ONE DOES but that doesn't make it any less frustrating), I have no idea what I want to spend time doing (hobbies and such) and the "tough" part of me is trying to convince me that I have no idea what I want emotionally. But I know and I just can't admit it to myself because I think it would make me weak. How fucked is that? I have been raised and taught that you are born alone and you die alone. You have to fend for yourself because no one will ever be there for you all the time. I know that this is true, one must be self reliant. Now, on to the whole relationship issue. I can honestly say that I do not think I am mentally equipped to maintain a healthy relationship right now. I have so many other issues in my life that are demanding my attention and energy that I think it would be unfair to invite someone else into them. I already throw my suitcase on whoever will listen because I don't know what to do with them. But I am understand that I need to let go of this self loathing just because I would one day like to be in a relationship.

Even just saying that makes me want to go all house elf on myself and pick up an iron and beat my head in with it. Yes that is a Harry Potter reference, if you have a problem with that FUCK OFF. People refer to authors I hate all the time and I don't jump down their throat with a stick of lit shit because of it. I love the books because it got kids to read and write and it made adults remember how to think like a kid again, how can you really hate that?

Anyway - back to my rambles.

I would one day like to be in a loving relationship. That is so very hard for me to admit and I could use beautiful language to describe what I think that would be like but quite honestly my bed is looking mighty fine and I don't want to fill my head with anymore unnecessary fantasies (HA my inner bitter bitch just HAD to say hello). But I wanted to get this mental randomness out because HA!!! I STUCK TO MY GOAL OF 3 BLOGS IN A WEEK!!!! WOOOOO WOOOOO.

I will write a blog that makes sense next week. Yes that is singular because I really can't guarantee that I will write 3 blogs that make sense. I mean come on, I was talking to the tree on my street earlier tonight. The absurd is what I live for, sense just kinda happens sometimes.

Nighttttttttttttttttttttttt y'all!

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