Friday, March 6, 2009

I'll Give You Calm (Originally published on 9.29.2008)

“Don’t freak out Heather”

“Calm down.”

Those 2 phrases are sure to send me into a state of near hysteria. I don’t know how to communicate to people that I am unwell. That my brain DOESN’T WORK THE SAME WAY THEIRS DOES. That when you think I am actually freaking out I am struggling for control of my own fucking brain. That I am hiding SO MUCH from the surface. That every day I come home and am exhausted from trying to desperately keep every word, every action in check. That some times I just really want to let go and show every crack that is under my surface to scare the shit out of people so that I can confirm to them that yes I am mentally ill, because I know if they saw the sick me, the part that is ill as in NOT WELL that they would freak the fuck out. There is a reason I love Lewis Carol - what seems nonsensical makes sense to me. My thoughts are not linear in any way. I feel and think in colors. I see sound, I smell words - my senses are mixed up so add that on top of an already fucked up brain and you get me. The girl that people seem to be baffled by because I under-react in heavy situations and overreact in small ones. Why does everyone think I apologize too much… BECAUSE I DO. Because I know how confusing it must be to try and participate in a conversation with me. It sucks. I can see outside myself now, I usually know when I enter the weird zone but I. CAN’T. STOP. IT. I really, really can’t. If I could wouldn’t you think I would? Who the fuck would choose to be out of control. Really? You don't think I realize that it sounds like a crutch, an excuse to be fucked up? But I ask... who would want to be fucked up? Who would want a crutch, an excuse to freak out? Why would anyone want to be looked down on for their reactions? Why? I sure don't hence why I am trying to fix myself or at least stabilize.

*Sidenote* I don't care when people that don't know about my issues say this to me because I understand that they don't know and I do use humor as a way to inform. It's the people that know whats going, that I have asked repeatedly to NOT tell me to calm down when I am NOT freaking out (ie talking fast and am spastic - believe me if I freak out you will know) that send me into a state of anger/panic. It's trigger I need to work on, I know.

So far I have come across 2 people that hold that against me. Oh well, I can’t worry about them. I need to worry about myself. There is a reason I love Fiona Apple. Her lyrics explain what I fail to. That the gears in my brain get stuck in some places and are constantly running overtime in others. Especially in the song Fast As You Can

Watch the Video if you want yo!

I let the beast in too soon, I don’t know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always & still
O darling, its so sweet, you think you know how crazy
-how crazy I am
You say you don’t spook easy, you wont go, but I know
And I pray that you will
-fast as you can, baby run-free yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but Ill soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
-fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don’t shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I’m begging for a lift
Or Ill drown in the wonders and the was
And Ill be your girl, if you say its a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, Ill be your pet, if you just tell me its a gift
Cuz I’m tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but its too soon
So Ill fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, Ill soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you’re getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I’m blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, Ill be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can (repeat 4 times)

I get this. Do you? Every word, every word has a special meaning to me because it’s how I feel.

Hrmmm. Maybe I’ll write two entries and post the other one tomorrow. I’ve found confidence. Well not found, gained. It finally clicked that I deserve to be here. Here as in on earth, alive. I shouldn’t feel ashamed of who I am or anything about myself. I am me. That is all I need to be. But yeah, I’ll explain that later. Just had to get this burr off my back so here you go! lol.


+/- said...

"but I. CAN’T. STOP. IT. I really, really can’t. If I could wouldn’t you think I would? Who the fuck would choose to be out of control. Really?"

i truly think there are people who believe this. that you DO choose this lack of control. some people would argue that it's a way out, a crutch that you can blame everything on. or that you're seeking attention, even if it is negative.

and those people would be ass holes.

i've mentioned to you before what the uneducated/lay man would think about bi-polar disorder. that we really don't see every angle that you have, and that we can just see it as a "freak out" in our own scale of things. i know that you're controlling yourself, and you seem to come off as neurotic at times. i know i'm not seeing the whole thing. what you let slip out is enough for a "normal" person to see as a freak-out. i do know that it's only a portion of what you really feel.

i guess you can take that or leave it. i hope you take it.

Tanya said...

I'm sorry, I gotta play devil's advocate and tell you this one thing.

People close to you WILL learn how to communicate with you better and understand where you are coming from because of your mental health issues. However, you have to remember that if you want everyone to completely adjust their attitude towards how you react in situations, 100% of the time, then that means you are going to allow your illness to define you. And you shouldn't. I'm telling you this as someone who has two extremely close family members who are afflicted with the same - there are times where I treat them with kid gloves, but most other times? I don't know for a fact that they are being an asshole (I'm not saying YOU are being one, but in them it's the manifestation of their condition) because they are just being an asshole, or because their brain is malfunctioning. I can either take the choice to be walked all over by them, or I can take the choice to treat them the same way I would if they were NOT sick. First and primary thing I learned, from going to support groups for family members of bipolar individuals, don't become the victim; don't placate or pacify them - use reason and logical, NOT emotion. Don't let emotions rise up in you. So if someone says to you, "Heather you are freaking out," they better say it in a context of "Heather, the way you are talking and acting right now is making it hard for me to tell you how I feel, or to act around you." That is reasonable because I'm sure as you learn to keep your condition in check through meditation and vitamins and will rely less on pharmaceuticals, you WILL appreciate knowing the situations where your behavior is changing to a tell-tale sign that you might be having an episode. However, if the person is saying "Heather you're freaking out and I just think it's lame and stupid and wish you would stop for NO REASON AT ALL" then that person is being a douche.

It's all in the delivery. You'll figure out the people's intentions behind what they're saying, and you'll be able to separate the once who mean really well from those who are just being selfish.

And don't take this as a criticism of yourself, because I'm very proud of you for taking on the process of acknowledging your illness, of working through personal issues and of looking for treatment. I wish the loved ones in my life had the opportunity several decades ago to do the same thing, and didn't have to start on the process so late in life.

Tanya said...

PS - I don't think you're confusing when you talk! You contradict yourself, and don't always know how to take advice or a compliment, but that just means you are NORMAL. Cuz duh, I do the same thing!!! :P

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