Friday, March 6, 2009

Tired, So Very, Very Tired (Originally published on 11.25.08)

I’ll be honest; I really don’t feel like posting. I’ve kinda hit rock bottom over the last couple of days and have sunk into a depression which included 4 panic attacks in 4 days. To say I’m exhausted is an understatement. I had an emergency Dr’s appointment and we’re upping the meds and I have to take a sedative so I can stop panicking for no reason. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m not really bipolar, that I lied to the Dr in order to have a label instead of just being weak. I don’t know anymore. I really don’t. I’m tired yet I can’t sleep. The sedative wipes out all the racing thoughts but it also only allows me to do one thing at a time very, very slowly which is not at all what I’m used to. I hate it but I secretly love it because I really don’t think I can handle another attack. Yesterday I had to stay home from work because I just couldn’t bring myself to leave my room. I also had one of the worst bloody noses I’ve had in years. When I went to see the Dr, I asked him if he really thought I was bipolar. He said that I exhibit the symptoms and that I should give myself a break. He thinks these attacks were due to my panic disorder and not the bipolar. My memory is shit lately and it is beyond frustrating. I think I’m also going to give up drinking because I’m finding that I like it more and more. It quiets the evil voice that criticizes everything I do.

Where is Heather? Where did she go? I really don’t know anymore. My friends tell me that I’m amazing but it’s so baffling because I really don’t understand how. All of my energy is spend trying to keep it together so the only thing on the forefront of my mind is me. I won’t commit suicide or anything like that. But I have been thinking about the oblivion and if it would be better. I just want these feelings to stop. I want to be me again. I want to be happy. I don’t want to have to strain a smile on my face and lie when people ask me how I am. I want to be able to have an interest in SOMETHING. I want to write or draw. But I just sit in my room and stare. For hours. I should also be working right now but I can’t bring myself to make the calls I need to, to test a store when I have no fucking idea how to. Meh. I just want to sleep these feelings away. I just want to hibernate and hope that when I wake up, I’ll be ok again. I’m afraid I’m losing my strength. That the little voice that encourages me is fading away because it’s tired of always have to remind me that life is worth it. That this will end, that I will be happy and find someone to share it with when I’m ready. That one day, I will truly be loved and be able to accept it. But right now. I’m just tired. So very, very tired.

*I'm too tired to edit this so beware of typos galore.


Paddym22 said...

Ah God, looks like you are in the midst of a rotten depression. Thankfuly you posted as I was worried where you were these past few days. Things will change, nothing stays the same remember that. In time you will feel better. I know that is no consolation at the moment as you battle with your demons, but you are not alone, trust me. I know Chelsea is also thinking of you, she is a very good person too. I know the oblivion feeling all too well but it is not a solution, it is a dangerous trap. I am glad you got a sedative to get you through the really rough panic patches as they are horrifically painful. You are on a rollercoaster ride at the moment, hang on tight, dont be scared, it WILL pass. Your perception of things is not what it should be at the moment and everything seems enormously difficult but remember that is just how your mind sees it, it is not REAL. Nobody wants to hurt you, everybody wants you to be well. Time, sweetheart, time is what will get you through and remember once you balance out you wont feel half as bad. I cant offer any quick fix solutions just silly words which probably dont make much sense but I am thinking of you. When I am depressed which is very often I take time out and focus on doing small things and leave out anything major, I make no decisions, I try and eat a little every now and then. If I cannot sleep which is quite usual for me I get out of bed and amuse myself with small things that I like, like now I am reading your blog and it is 4.30am here in Amsterdam because I cannot sleep. It is very dark, quiet and I have the Radio on low in the background with the BBC worldservice for company. There is a single soul around to talk to so I am talking to you and I dont feel so alone. Hold on tight, focus on the good things about you and there are many and in a while you will balance out. Fondest love and strength...........

+/- said...

where's this "should" coming from? you have these preset rules in your head: what you should be like if you're bipolar, what you should be doing instead of doing nothing in your room.

"should" implies a deadline, like a due date, or time line. you're an adult now, and you can set your own timeline.

as for work, well, you're crazy, so you have a reason.

you've always had ups and downs. this is a low, and probably more than you've experienced in the past. but you are strong. even if you don't feel like it.

and Heather: It's OK to be weak sometimes.

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