Friday, March 6, 2009

Snow Globe (Orginally published on 7.07.2008)

That’s what my head feels like, one of those snow globes. This weekend a whooooole bunch of shizzy got stirred up and now it’s all just kinda floating around and landing where ever it pleases. I know that it’s a good thing for my life but it’s not so good for my sanity. Well sanity is a little dramatic, let say that it's not good for my overall well being. But I guess anything that’s been allowed to fester and rot for years would never really be fun to remove.

Hrmm let me try and explain without throwing my luggage at you.

I was trained to absorb things rather than react immediately to a situation. I wasn’t allowed to cry when I was a kid and I wasn’t allowed to show anger. If I did cry or “make a face” this usually warranted a slap or some other form of punishment. I also trained myself not to react when I was hurt as well, because it could be used against me. See, if I did something wrong, my punishment was to have something taken away from me. While I watched tv, it was never really that important to me so my parents would go for things they knew I loved. I wasn’t allowed to go outside, or read (I have an interesting memory of watching my father remove every book in my room and telling me NOT TO READ…) my notebooks, my pens, etc - things they knew I loved. So when I started to get gifts from people, I would carefully monitor my expression so they’d never know if I truly enjoyed it or not so it couldn’t be used to hurt me. As a result of this I don’t react when things happen to me. At least not to the full extent one should. I store it away for later, which is INCREDIBLY SELF DESTRUCTIVE. But at least I recognize it now. I honestly never really thought about it before this weekend. But with the help of a… “mind expander” my brain exploded and I’m not even attempting to clean up the mess. Well technically I am getting help with the clean up from a professional.

Yes, I am going to see a shrink. Nope, this isn’t my first time. I actually attempted to see some one when I first started this blog but I had quite an unfortunate experience that made me karate chop anyone that said to “go to see someone” after that. But I stopped being stubborn and realized that when you’re trying to find someone to confide in and help re-arrange your mental madness, it’s ok to try more than one person. I just have a huge problem with asking for help to begin with. More leftovers from a not-so-savory past. I’m also aware that my past could have been worse but… I’m also coming to terms with the fact that it’s ok to say that it was bad. Because, quite frankly, it was (I can’t even describe how hard it is for me to NOT delete that sentence).

Anywho, I am going to ask and accept help because honestly, I don’t know how to pull out stuff that I’ve stored for years. I re-live humiliating experiences on a daily basis, as far back as FIRST GRADE. Seriously. Here’s one: My mother taught me to read and write before I was in kindergarten so I would always work ahead in my “writing book” (a little backstory - I was originally left handed but due to a broken arm in kindergarten I started writing with my right hand. My father wanted me to keep writing with my right hand because he felt that it is a “right-handed world”…), my first grade teacher Mrs. Statter (fuck yeah I remember the cunt’s name) saw that I had gone ahead of the class and due to the fact that I was writing with my right hand my hand writing was (and still is) a bit sloppy. She ripped the book from my hands and promptly told the class not to rush ahead otherwise they would all have ugly handwriting like mine.

This prompted snickers, name calling and taunts but I didn’t cry, I just blinked and waited until she gave me the book back and erased all of my work. All of it. Then I started over, erased it again, and the cycle continued until I tore through the pages and had to get another book. I don’t think I ever told my parents what happened because I remember they were called in to my school after I stopped handing my homework in on time and that’s when they discovered that I had developed callous’ on all my fingers from writing over and over and over again. My handwriting never did improve and still leans the opposite way it should but I don’t really give a flying fuck anymore, lol. But I stored that experience and never cried. I used to scare the shit out of the kids in my school because they would gang up on me and call me names and I wouldn’t react. Eventually I did have a breakdown in high school and started over-reacting to EVERYTHING, but I still stored the experiences and bits and pieces were left to fester. Now I’m back to not reacting or turning self destructive as a way to deal with things and lets face it, I’m 25 and I really shouldn’t be holding on to most if not ALL the shit I carry in my head. I can’t even count the number of relationships it’s destroyed. Someone will say something and instead of confronting them right then and there I would store it and bring it up months or even years later. A habit I am trying to quell and it will be easier now that I am actually aware of the fact that I do it. I’ve already begun at work with my co-worker the She-Beast.

Oh yes, She-Beast. She is one of those people that make you wonder how the hell they walk and breathe at the same time. No, I am not being harsh, I assure you. This woman has asked me over 7 times how to cut and paste. Yes, cut and paste. I know that some people are not computer literate but this is why she was supposed to attend a class (I honestly don’t think she went because she STILL asks me stupid questions). I also made her write down the ways to cut and paste and still, about a month ago she asks me how to do it…. again. *deep breath* Also, instead of simply looking for something she e-mails me. I am buried at work right now so any little distraction buries me further. Today I just copied my boss on her e-mail and let her know that I have already told her where the spreadsheet she was looking for is and if she asks me again I will not respond. So yay for me. A small step but it’s something.

I am aware that a couple of my bags were thrown at you but Circe’s socks people it wasn’t that bad… lol. Anyway, my tangents will only grow more frequent so I must bid thee adieu for there is work to be done and procrastination to conquer.

1 comment

The Crofts said...

Ah yes, I have been referred to as a "mind-expander" before... ?

har-har. it's funny that you use the term "Snow Globe"... I commonly refer to Nichole's house as a snow-globe, but in a far more negative sense.

I, too, am feeling rather snow-globe-esque. But in a good way. It's still very mind-opening, but at the same time, rather frightening. I'm in the process of re-learning quite a bit of things. I actually just had a really long talk with my mom about some of the realizations that I had. It was actually quite funny, in said conversation, I was getting a little.. heated?, and my mom actually told me to calm down. If that isn't trying to control my emotions I don't know what is. Why should I have to calm down? I'm talking about something that's effected me for the last 25 years. MY WHOLE LIFE, about how SHE effed up in my childhood, and all she could really say (an HONEST reaction) was "calm down". Later she apologised.

Fucking parents.

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