Friday, March 6, 2009

Smile (Originally published on 3.2.09)

My brain and I are not getting along today. Spelling has become an issue as my memory seems to get worse and worse. I can’t tell if it’s because of the medication or I’m just not accustom to using it as it seems every electronic device is supposed to do it for you. You don’t have to remember phone numbers anymore, meeting times, Dr’s appointments, birthdays, etc.

I’m frustrated because I missed my Dr’s appointment this morning due to roommate issues and muni being a bitch and I get to pay the $110 missed appointment fee. So I’m back to flogging myself due to my lack of self discipline for not waking up earlier. I’m irritated as hell and it’s showing every where. I’m irritated for not writing enough, I’m annoyed because it doesn’t seem to flow anymore. Any lyrical sentences that used to spew forth from my fingers are now dull and drab.

I hate this. Is it because of my medication or do I seem to just not have time anymore? Let’s look at my schedule:

Monday - Work, then fiddle lessons, then visiting House of Shields to keep the bartender, who is a great friend, company. I usually get home around 11 so I try and go to bed right away but that never happens.

Tuesday - Work, studying for psychology and practicing the fiddle. I greedily suck up this night because it’s the only night I have to really do anything I want to do so I usually end up going to bed at about 1.

Wednesday - Work, then class (yoga) until 8:30. I usually walk to Church and Duboce from Noe and 24th or I just walk home so I have time to think and just explore the many crooks and crannies that San Francisco has to offer.

Thursday - Work, then Psychology until 9. I usually get home at 10ish so I’m supposed to try and go to bed by 11 but, once again, that never happens as I just want to sit and read or play around on the computer for a bit. I’m usually too exhausted to write anything creative because my brain has usually shut down at this point.

Friday - Work, then therapy, then usually hanging out with my friends as I usually don’t have time during the week to do so.

Saturday & Sunday - “Relax time” which is basically me sleeping in until about 1pm then lounging around until I possibly go out with my friends again. I usually try and practice the fiddle or study but I never do.

Yeah. I’m tired; all the time because I don’t sleep. I have no willpower to force myself into bed by 11. I constantly have bags under my eyes and my brain is all fuzzified at work.

Also, every day I have to keep my thoughts in check. I have to make sure that I’m not taking matters into extremes or that I’m not slipping into a hypomania or depression. I have to watch what I say, what I do, what music I listen to, try and filter whatever I say so that I don’t later regret it. I’m on the verge of crying now just because I just want to have a day where my brain just functions without me regulating it.

You know, like the majority of people I pass on the street. People that don’t have to worry at a sudden wave of happiness or sadness because it’s just an emotion that can fade as easily as it came, where as I have to make sure that it doesn’t linger or intensify to the point where I want to point out the beauty of the world to random strangers on the street or I get home and curl up into the a ball, rock back and forth and just sob for no reason.

I also have to make sure that when a feeling of panic or anxiety arises I have my pills and try and control it while I’m surrounded by people and have to smile and pretend that I’m just fine; which I am very, very good at.

I just want to work, to function without thinking about EVERYTHING. I want to write blogs that are chipper or fun and inspiring and filled with sentences that are lyrical and poignant.

It’s funny, before I started taking medication I wouldn’t react correctly to a situation. I would go to extremes over small things and be comatose to traumatic experiences until a few months passed. Now my emotions are just below the surface and for me, it’s irritating as hell. Right now I feel the prickle of tears and I hate it. I HATE IT. But it’s “normal”. You’re not supposed to wrap an emotion into a ball and throw it to the back of your brain so it bounces back months later or blows up due to the intensity of the emotion and I go ape shit on whoever is near me.

Back to work, back to work. Here comes another gilded smile and the clenching of hands and teeth to force the tears away while pretending everything is just fine. Like usual.

Smile for the camera Heather, everyone’s watching. Smile for the camera Heather, no one wants a sad face. Smile for the camera Heather no one wants to be depressed after hearing you talk. Smile for the camera Heather.



T. said...

Don't smile if you dont feel like it! It bothers me when people ask me to smile......why should I smile if I dont feel like it? What's the point? If I'm having a bad day I want the world to know, and I think you should do the same! I'm sorry you had a bad day, I know how that feels :(

happyian said...

I really like the name of your blog.

DigitalApprentice said...

damn girl. the worst part of writing truer than true words like that is the fact that everyone around you, well not everyone, but a large majority, or fuck that, never mind, I'll speak for myself - I relate completely. I know that won't help you dealing with this tumultuous period of your life, but that last portion about smiling for the camera is super prevalent in my life as well. I always seem to overlook my own emotions and belittle them due to this omnipresent birds-eye view of the human race that seems more relevant. or more important at least. I think, "what does this little human (talking about myself in times of distress) really have to be sad about? why is he so confused? why can't he just lighten up like those around him? why does he pout so when he's alone? what's truly is the point of him absolutely doing nothing other than staring at a wall he'll eventually hit? oh, how funny, he did hit that wall. see I predicted it. what a predictable little human. and look, he can't stop thinking about someone watching him. He's trying to prove to me that he's doing something constantly, but can never rid himself of the constant watch he feels he's under. Oh, now he's trying to convince himself that he's not ashamed of masturbating, or looking at himself in the mirror, or choosing to read some political book that he'll never truly understand and only seems to be trying to retain morsels or information only to repeat them as some banality in casual conversation. what is really interesting to this human? it must be that he's interested in the fact or belief that someone is always watching him. because look, he can't stop thinking about it. how sad. look at all those other humans around him, just casually living their lives with out the constant fear that some non-existent higher being is judging their every move. why is this little human plagued by that? well, that's his own problem. I'll just sit back and watch and observe him self destruct into either tears or a desperate need of sleep with the hope of never waking up. How odd this human is..."

I don't even know where I was going with that, but those thoughts are very prevalent in my reality, just as they are in other people's world. It may seem that you're alone, but fuck it we all are. I've seen people who have issues that I truly can't even imagine having, yet understand that everyone does seem to be plagued by someshit or another. coffee, hobbies or pills all just seem to exist to distract us from those terrible truths of self hatred and over hyper self consciousness. I'm not trying to give advice or even try to help you in any way, I'm just writing to basically let you know you made my mind wander into realms of life people rarely touch on. and here it is: a reflection of that. thanks and keep pushing

NerdOneirik said...

T. - ehh, not good at showing my real emotions, as you well know.

happyian - Thanks! lol

DigitalApprentice - lol you know what I think ;)

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