Friday, March 6, 2009

Slipping (Originally published on 10.09.2008)

That’s what I’m doing. In the deep recesses in my mind I am clawing for solid ground. Struggling to make something whole that isn’t. A weight has settled in my chest warning me that I need to release something and quick. I’ve tried crying, I’ve trying singing - it’s still there. Similar to a lead ball it makes it hard to breathe and even harder to swallow. All my energy goes to willing myself not to breakdown in public, to just get through the work day and commute.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

It physically hurts to have it there. I try and focus on other things and then my breathe catches and I’m struggling to clear my blurry eyes. I can’t hide this anymore. People are noticing and asking what’s wrong and it’s infuriating because I. Don’t. Know. It’s one of my blacker moods coming on. It has been for about a week but I’ve been able to stave it off as long as I could. I just don’t have the energy to fight it and then try and live. I come home exhausted and self medicate because I can’t think about it. I can’t think about the noxious puddle of hate that’s seeping through the cracks of my self worth.

I was so confidant a week ago. Where did that go? Why did it leave?

I know where this feeling leads and it terrifies me. I will not go back in to that depression. I can’t. I need to keep my job, I need to feel pain if I try and hurt myself to prevent anything stupid.

But who knows, maybe this is the tail end of it. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be chipper again. Maybe something in my fucking brain will finally kick in and be like “Whooooa there, no self hating, we’re all we got”. But right now it isn’t. Right now I’m digging my nails into my palms to focus on the outside world because my inside has been thrust into a shit storm. Right now all my energy has been diverted to a little voice that keeps telling me that I can do this, that it’s worth it, that I’m worth it.

But right now I’m struggling to take a deep breath and believe it.


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