Friday, March 6, 2009

Being Vulnerable (Originally published on 10.16.2008)

Yeah, that’s something I haven’t quite gotten the hang of. And by that I mean I go wayyyyyyyy out of my way to ensure that I never am.


Currently I do not put myself in positions where I could be rejected, I don’t really step outside my comfort zone and surprise surprise I’m miserable. I’ve figured out how to allow myself to be vulnerable around my friends but around a boy?

Helllllllll no.

I am an expert on pushing people away. If a dude gets too close I start to distance myself. I figure I should push him away before he can push me away. Wonderful logic I know. Actually it’s a lack of logic that propels this action. It all comes back to that lame phrase “How can anyone love you if you don’t love yourself?”. Great question. As I brought this up to my therapist she pointed out that people will only reach out so many times. I can’t even count how many times I’ve refused to tell someone how I felt and was absolutely crushed when they found someone else. I won’t even acknowledge how I feel to myself but part of me always knows. I’d rather be alone than be rejected. I don’t know why rejection is so horrific to me. It prolly all stems back to my childhood and how I was rejected by my family and blahity blah. I just… I don’t want to seem weak. I don’t ever want to show that I can be hurt. I rarely cry in front of anyone (unless there is alcohol involved…. <_<>_> not good, I know) because I feel like I’m a burden if I cry. So usually I cry alone, stuffing my face in a pillow so no one can hear me.This comes back to people seeing me completely broken by an unhealthy relationship and eventually getting tired of the same old story of me going back to him. So now I overcompensate.

But… I’m tired of only holding a piece of someone. Yet I don’t think it’s fair to invite anyone into my life right because I’m so confused and … crazy lol. It’s lame. I can’t love myself, in fact, most of the time I hate myself. Sometimes my co-worker will stop me mid sentence if I’m on a self hate roll and say, watch it Heather, you’re talking about a good friend of mine and I may have to kick your ass. It’s something I’m working on. I’m terrified my friends will grow weary of my self depreciation and then grow weary of me. I know that I purposely push people. It’s like test. If they come back that means they truly like me which is so fucked up I can’t even begin to describe it. If someone deliberately pushed me away I don’t know if I’d come back, I’d be too terrified of being rejected again. So how can I expect people to come back?

I just don’t want to be hurt. But so many people have told me great stuff can happen when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Like what? Be crushed? Yet, I crush myself by not having the courage to say what I feel. It’s a vicious circle I need to break out of because honestly, what’s the worst that could happen? I get rejected, big deal. It’s not like a dude would be like “OMG I HATE YOU” and stab me in the face or something. Though I have had a guy pretty much yell in my face that he’d never love me, all while my mother was cheering him on. Now that was fucked up. I’m pretty sure I learned this behavior from my dad. He used to hide all of his emotion until it built up into ball of rage and he’d snap. He hasn’t for years but I know he still hides a lot from the surface. I’ve told my therapist about some dudes in my life in which nothing will ever happen (ok shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh to everyone who’s like YOU NEVER KNOW, because I do, shit ain’t never gonna happen… or am I being closed again? Fuck.) and she suggested that I try reaching out to them. From what I’ve told her she confirms that yes, they like me but they may not be ready for a relationship. This is fine by me because honestly I don’t know if I am either. So I’m going to take a big step for me: call them. Because you see, I never call boys; I wait till they call me.

Lame, I know.

So I’m going to practice. I’m going to step outside my box and see what happens. If I were speaking to you, you’d note a tremor in my voice and my eyes wide with fear. This is a box I’ve pretty much cemented shut so opening it is going to be a bitch. But I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of hurting myself and I’m tired of the “what if’s”. So, fuck you “what if’s” it’s all about the “at least I tried “.


+/- said...

it's a simple idea here: every relationship is a compromise.

re·la·tion·ship Pronunciation[ri-ley-shuhn-ship]
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

so, you see how far down the "sexual" part is on the list? it's not the first one. although marriage is a whole other topic.

you have relationships. GET OVER IT. you give and take. THAT'S OK. You're allowed to TAKE every once in a while.

give a little. not money, not STUFF, but you. give a little of yourself, crazy or not, to anyone and everyone. if you're always protecting yourself from some assumed danger that you've been brain washed to fear, then you're fucked. the end. see ya later. f-u-k-k-e-d.

but if you can see a relationship with a man as a friendship (as it should be as well as a "romantic" one) then perhaps you'd be able to see them as a partner.

you and i are partners. we give and take and compromise all the time. i call you, you call me, we need each other. and we have each other. and guess what: it's OKAY.

jerk. ;)

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