Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Medication Change

I’ve cut back on my Lamictal by 50mg so now I’m at 200mg. I waited awhile to write this to see if there would be any changes. I think there has been… I really can’t tell because I can’t seem to remember if I felt better before. I have been in a shifty mood as of late. Some dark thought cross my mind but then light ones chase them away.


I feel that I am losing interest in… everything really. I’m discovering that there are VERY few movies I enjoy and I haven’t been in to new music for months. There is a voice in my head that’s screaming at me to practice my fiddle but there seems to be a masochistic side of me that just won’t let me. I’ll distract myself or try and go online to watch/read something mind numbing. I haven’t written any sort of creative writing in months and… I’m just… meh. Honestly I have never really enjoyed my job but I get paid well enough to try to. I don’t do nearly as much as I should… Also, this photography class has turned out to be a HUGE disappointment. I have a teacher that just DOESN’T CARE. He just name drops and digresses to the point of absurdity. The other teacher (for the lab) seems to care enough but… I don’t edit my photos in adobe lightroom because I already edit them in GIMP. The only thing I needed lightroom for was to print contact sheets but now I just found a program online that lets me do it for free. This now makes this 3 hour lab time POINTLESS.

Anyway, I think that these could just be “normal” bad days. I honestly don’t know what a “normal” bad day is like sooo… I still have dangerous thoughts that wander to the forefront of my mind but I’m able to think about them with a safe amount of detachment. I also think that I know the cause of the general lack of interest. My whole life I’ve only ever wanted to be loved. I never, ever thought a man would ever love me. Late last year I had a huge spiral downward where I just gave myself away to any boy. This was actually a symptom of bipolar disorder but I was unaware of that and just thought I was searching for a positive emotion. That all ended when I got medicated and got my life straightened out. As soon as everything seemed to line up and start going well I met a man who changed my life. I had found love. Unconditional love. He knows all about my crazy and what could happen and has seen little fits of it and he still loves me. We moved in together in August and everything is still going wonderfully. I don’t doubt that he loves me and that’s… very strange. I’ve never let myself grow this attached to someone because I seem to have the uncanny ability to lose people. But I know that loves me and that the only thing that could take him away is … le death. That terrifies me because I can’t control that.


Speaking of control, my craving to have it has gotten WAY out of control. I’ll leave that for another post so that will FORCE me to update my blog more often…

*shuffles feet*

Ah ha… lol

For those reading this, I hope all is well. :)