Friday, March 6, 2009

I hate this. (Originally published on 2.08.09)

So, I know that I get far more responses when I write a funny blog and not one that deals with my head. That disturbs me a bit but I understand why. Sometimes people don't want to hear heavy stuff. But this blog is supposed to be about what is going on in my head and how it's not always good. So those that don't want to get heavy, just go to another internet thingy and come back when you think an entry will be amusing, because this one won't be.

I am in a bad state right now. I think I doubled dosed on my meds and am freaking out a bit. I called my sister who's pretty much a nurse and she said that it's fine, she's had patients that done this before and were fine. But here's the thing. I hate this. I hate this so much. I don't want to have to take a pill to “think” correctly. I just want to be. I just want to not want to die and no feel so disgusted with myself all the time. To not feel weak for having to rely on chemicals that I don't even understand. Oh god I hate this. I hate how I constantly question myself and constantly wonder if I should go off them. I hate when people encourage this as well. “Oh no Heather, you can regulate this with exercise and eating the right food.”

It's not that fucking simple. The chemicals that my brain produces are off. The neurons are firing wrong. A person I haven't talked to for awhile called and I told her about what was going on in my life and what I was diagnosed with. She immediately responded with “Why does it seem like everyone is suddenly getting diagnosed with all these things? It's like a fad.”

I equate that with being slapped in the face. I constantly question if I really am bipolar because I was trained to think that EVERYONE feels this way. That everyone feels suicidal at times. Is that true? Does everyone really think that it would be ok to die? That everything would be better? Everyone? So does that mean I'm just buying into this whole medication thing? Everyone curls up in a ball and just sobs for no reason all the time? I'm honestly asking, is that what people do? I really don't know. I don't. Am I just faking this, am I just being pushed onto meds? I don't know. I think I've been better since I've been on them because even this low isn't as low as I've been before.

I get so angry when people say I shouldn't be on meds because sometimes I think I shouldn't be as well. It just makes this so much harder. Am I weak because I'm taking meds? Am I? Isn't it like when diabetics have to take insulin?

I hate this. I really hate this. I wish there was some kind of fucking test that tells me for sure. Because I don't know. I hate having to rely on other people. I hate it. I usually just suffer in silence. I'd rather do that. I don't want people to think I'm weak. I want them to think of the Heather that makes everyone laugh. The Heather that I wish I was all the time. If that even is who I really am. I have had to rely on myself for so much that I don't know how to let someone take care of me. I'd rather mimic those around me so that I seem ok.

I want to be someone else so much. Not just with this whole mental thing but with everything in my life. I wish I could be like this girl I've met a few times, Sorrel. Her life is fascinating. Or be able to just drop everything and travel. Just have the courage to do what I want. But how can I when that constantly changes? I don't want to be here. Sitting in my room typing a blog that exposes so much of me because I can't tell people this in person. I write this so people know who I am, so maybe I can figure out who the fuck I am. I can put my most private thoughts online but will not let someone carry me when I have a twisted ankle or comfort me when I'm crying or even admit to them that I am crying. But maybe this is my way to comfort. To let people know how I feel through words because I am too scared to do it in person. I can't just expose myself to people in person because I don't trust and I don't want to burden them. I always feel like a burden. That when I talk about this people roll their eyes and say “Oh Heather is being dramatic.” Is this dramatic? It's how I really feel. So should I just be silent so I don't make people uneasy? I don't introduce myself as “Hi, I'm Heather and I'm bipolar.” If the topic of meds or something comes up in a convo or when I say or do something strange I'll mention something. I don't want to be silent about it because I don't want it to mean that I'm damaged or crazy. I'm just different right? I'm not incomplete, am I? I don't know.

Ugh, I think I did double dose. My stomach is not happy.

If I did commit suicide I'd want it to be painful so that I could feel something so that I could feel that I am dying. So I could fade and not just disappear. Don't worry, I'm not considering it, just thinking about it. I don't think I'd want to go in my sleep.

I admit that right now, I wish I could just let someone hold me so I could just sob and actually FEEL that someone is holding me here. That they see this. That I don't have to hide it.

But I know it could always be worse. I'm lucky that I have what I do. So... is it ok to feel like this? Am I just being dramatic, stupid and weak? That I'm spoiled because other people in the world are trying to just survive and I'm here feeling sorry for myself. Am I disgusting?

I don't know. I really don't know. Don't write comments that I'm not. Don't write what you don't believe to comfort me. I want to know if I'm being brat and should just suck it up. But I always just suck it up. What's real? What's ok? Am I just a whiny bitch?

I don't know. I really don't. I was raised to not “pout”, to not cry. To not feel sorry for myself. But I don't think that I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm just confused. Very, very confused and searching for some type of answer. Maybe in a way asking for some source of comfort so that I know that it's ok to feel this.

I don't get this. I don't get this at all. I hate this. I hate this.


T. said...

All these feelings are real and no your not being dramatic, stupid or weak!! I have had most of these feelings myself, I dont know whats it like to be on meds, i'm sure its easy.......I wish you didnt worry what other people think of you if you cryed infront of other people and i wish you would call your friends if you felt sad!!! Thats what good friends are for and the body is meant to cry, if it wasnt we wouldnt! DUHA!! Crying is awesome, just after part is not good, the face is all red and puffy and sometimes i get a headache, but besides that i think crying is awesome!!

Mace Elaine said...

What your friend said was insensitive, but I'm sure she doesn't know the whole story. Heck, I don't think anyone knows the whole story! Those of us who care about you and read this blog probably know more than most, but I'm sure it's still only about 15%.

I'm sure what your friend was referring to was this: there are some people who curl up and cry on the floor ONCE, or have some other isolated event, and march into their doctor's office demanding pills. Feh.

You stay strong, little H. It's tough at times, but remember than on the whole, things are on the up.

T. said...

Sorry I meant to say "I'm sure its NOT easy" !!!!!!!!!

Girl said...

There is nothing that angers me more than people who say "you shouldn't need medication to feel good about yourself" or "happiness should come from within", like it's that easy. Funny how it's always people who have never suffered a mental health problem who have that opinion - if they ever have one then I would be happy to hear their opinion, but if you haven't then STFU!

The sad thing is, if we had a physical problem we wouldn't think twice about taking medication, and society wouldn't judge us for it for a second. At the end of the day: if medication works for you, keep taking it. I know how much medication has helped me and I will never ever feel ashamed of it, you shouldn't either.


NerdOneirik said...

Mace - I'll remain strong cause I have the bestest buddies in the world. I couldn't ask for anything better.

T. - I'm getting better at showing emotion! I just feel like when i do, I'm a burden. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I know what you're going to say. I'm working on it!

Girl - I wholeheartedly agree. Punch someone in the face and people immediately are like oh yeah, he needs to be taken care of. Cut your own skin and people think "Oh how dramatic". That be fucked up.

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