The End Is the Beginning Is the End

Hello all. Life has changed dramatically and I found myself involved more in the external than the internal. This is both good and bad. I was going to take this blog down as I don't really see a need for it currently. My Bipolar Disorder has become fully integrated into my life so I don't really feel the need to separate it from my other blog. I originally created this because I was in the throes of accepting that my life needed to change and that I would never be the same. I needed a place to lash out and share my struggles in the hope that if anyone else felt the same way that they would know they are not alone.

But I won't take the blog down as it's existence reminds me of how lucky I am. I just found out a person who used to read my blog died. He always had nothing but kind words and I do hope he's found peace.

I may still write in here from time to time if the dark clouds that I usually keep at bay roll in unexpectedly. I do hope that this means that the posts will be few and far between as I'd like to write more in my other blog.

To those that have followed me and encouraged me, thank you so much. Your words have helped me get through some of the darkest times in my life.

I hope that things have gotten better for you too. Life is full of ups and downs. You just need to remember that there is always an UP from a down.

*hugs*

Medication Change

I’ve cut back on my Lamictal by 50mg so now I’m at 200mg. I waited awhile to write this to see if there would be any changes. I think there has been… I really can’t tell because I can’t seem to remember if I felt better before. I have been in a shifty mood as of late. Some dark thought cross my mind but then light ones chase them away.

Sometimes.

I feel that I am losing interest in… everything really. I’m discovering that there are VERY few movies I enjoy and I haven’t been in to new music for months. There is a voice in my head that’s screaming at me to practice my fiddle but there seems to be a masochistic side of me that just won’t let me. I’ll distract myself or try and go online to watch/read something mind numbing. I haven’t written any sort of creative writing in months and… I’m just… meh. Honestly I have never really enjoyed my job but I get paid well enough to try to. I don’t do nearly as much as I should… Also, this photography class has turned out to be a HUGE disappointment. I have a teacher that just DOESN’T CARE. He just name drops and digresses to the point of absurdity. The other teacher (for the lab) seems to care enough but… I don’t edit my photos in adobe lightroom because I already edit them in GIMP. The only thing I needed lightroom for was to print contact sheets but now I just found a program online that lets me do it for free. This now makes this 3 hour lab time POINTLESS.

Anyway, I think that these could just be “normal” bad days. I honestly don’t know what a “normal” bad day is like sooo… I still have dangerous thoughts that wander to the forefront of my mind but I’m able to think about them with a safe amount of detachment. I also think that I know the cause of the general lack of interest. My whole life I’ve only ever wanted to be loved. I never, ever thought a man would ever love me. Late last year I had a huge spiral downward where I just gave myself away to any boy. This was actually a symptom of bipolar disorder but I was unaware of that and just thought I was searching for a positive emotion. That all ended when I got medicated and got my life straightened out. As soon as everything seemed to line up and start going well I met a man who changed my life. I had found love. Unconditional love. He knows all about my crazy and what could happen and has seen little fits of it and he still loves me. We moved in together in August and everything is still going wonderfully. I don’t doubt that he loves me and that’s… very strange. I’ve never let myself grow this attached to someone because I seem to have the uncanny ability to lose people. But I know that loves me and that the only thing that could take him away is … le death. That terrifies me because I can’t control that.

Meh.

Speaking of control, my craving to have it has gotten WAY out of control. I’ll leave that for another post so that will FORCE me to update my blog more often…

*shuffles feet*

Ah ha… lol

For those reading this, I hope all is well. :)

Balance

I’ve noticed that when mentally ill people “get better” they stop writing in their blogs. I’m not sure why because I think that’s the most important time to write. You’re showing people that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can assure you that will not happen to this blog. I have a mental disorder. I will never think the same way most people do. I will have to keep my brain in check for the rest of my life and I want to share that.

Why?

Many reasons. I thought I started writing this blog for me; to get things out of my head. But I realize now I really wanted people to read it. I wanted someone to see what I was going through and say “Me too!” I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just me. That’s the biggest thing with mental illness is that you feel alone, sometimes ashamed, and really just want someone to understand what is going on in your head. I found a community by writing this blog. I found other people that are going through the same thing and trying to help one another. For so long I thought I was weak for not being able to control my actions and my thoughts. I thought that I was just lazy and incompetent. But it’s because my brain is wired differently. But I don’t use my disorder as a scapegoat. I will take responsibility for my actions and I will always strive to be aware of the consequences, hence the “getting better”. I still have my days, my moments where my impulses control me but I recognize them now. Most of the time I am able to take a step back and ask myself if I’m making a good decision. But it’s exhausting. Keeping yourself in check is fatiguing. I can’t describe what it’s like in my head just like I can’t imagine what it would be like in the head of someone that can just be. To control your brain and not have it control you.

I write because I want to help people that are going through what I did. I don’t want them to feel alone, I don’t want them to think they’re weak and hate themselves. I’m honestly very lucky to be alive and I attribute it to being stubborn. I had suicidal thoughts take up residence in my head for a very long time but I refused to put anyone through that. Though I admit in my darkest times I just wanted the pain to stop and I wasn’t really thinking about anything else but getting through it. I have this disorder for life. It will not go away, it can not be cured. It can be controlled through medication and determination but it will always be there. Think of it like a scab that will never heal. It can still get agitated and infected and lead to serious problems if you don’t take care of it. But you will always need to take care of it.

It sounds daunting and sometimes it is but I can’t describe how happy I am right now. I have never felt this good, never. I am stable and oh how I relish it. I honestly never thought this would happen. Ever. But for anyone that’s reading this and going through a dark time IT.WILL.GET.BETTER you can get here too. I honestly know how that is inconceivable right now. But please, please, don’t give up. I’ve been there, I truly have.

I’m not saying that you need medication to get better. There are other methods. But please try. Being bipolar sucks because most of the time you firmly believe that nothing is wrong with you; that your personality is extreme. I won’t deny that I miss the highs. GOD I miss the highs. I miss being able to write until dawn and still function at work. I miss the overwhelming happiness that would randomly surge through my body. I miss being a ball of energy that could party every night. But I know that the highs were not worth what the lows did to me. The lows were all consuming and so very painful. I don’t miss being curled up in a ball begging my brain to stop, stop the racing thoughts, stop the voices that would tear me apart, that would convince me that I am weak and worthless, that I will never be loved.

I have the elusive balance that I never thought I’d find. I have a healthy relationship in which I know that I am loved. I have the reins of my brain again. But I know that it’s only because I fight for it. I can’t ever give up. I will never give up.

They Get It.

I'm not ashamed to say that this made me tear up a bit. This is the best ad for mental health advocacy I've ever seen. Plus it just helps to know that there are other people dealing with it and frustrated at peoples lack of education on what the mental health condition does. Like one guy's response in the video when a woman said that she wouldn't want to live next to some one with a history of mental health problems because she had children. He replied with "Why? I'm pretty sure we don't eat babies."

I'm spamming the shit out of this video because it's amazing. If it evokes a strong reaction in you like it did me, join me in spreading the word yo. People don't get that mental disorders do kill. Only instead of your body dying, your brain is telling you to kill your body. Schizophrenia actually propels significant loss of gray matter in the brain.

As I've said time and time again, mental illness is real, mental illness can be treated, mental illness should never be overlooked, and it's NOT a choice.

So there. lol


*EDIT*
I found another!!!

Wow. Cancer was easier to deal with than depression. Holy fuck.

Death

Everyone mistakes the Death Tarot card. It doesn't mean a physical death. It means the closing of old doors and the opening of new.

Also known as change, which, consequently, is just as fearsome as death for some.

It seems this city is a catalyst for it. Just when you think you have things figured out, BAM, the puzzle is once more taken apart. Sometimes it’s for the better, sometimes for the worse. For me, it has been amazing. I have found someone I love wholeheartedly and who loves me equally as much. I’m moving into a new place this Friday. I am kicking ass at work. I have met some amazing people that have shown me true friendship I have seen the true colors of people that I thought were friends.

But I can honestly say that my life right now is awesome and I do hope that stay in this comfort zone for awhile.

Ze zone:

• Being mentally healthy.
• Waking up next to someone I love.
• Being surrounded by the most amazing friends.
• Having a job that treats me well and surrounds me with more amazing people
• Knowing who I am.
• Knowing that while I may have to rely on a pill to keep my brain healthy, I AM healthy.
• Knowing how incredibly lucky I am

I’ve been through really, really, really dark times but no matter how bad it was I knew that it could be worse.

So, yay I say to the Death card. And I also tip my hat to it in thanks.

Also... I really shouldn't write this but... to certain someone, if you're reading this, move on.

Owning Up to My Feelings

Uh… ok, perhaps I was a bit overzealous when I said I would update three times a week. I believe I’ll start with a goal of once a week and go from there. Things have been ok on the brain front but I’ve started taking Adderall only twice a week as my “come down” is hellacious. I’ve broken down a couple of times in front of le boy which leads to humiliation at my lack of control.

Yesssssss, I am aware that I should not be afraid of showing my emotions but it’s hard to undo years of training.

Also, my need to control everything around me is becoming quite bothersome. I’ve taken to making lists not only for me, but for le boy as well. Additionally I’ve been trying quite hard not to freak the fuck out on my roommates. At this point I am pretty convinced that I am the only one that cleans. The stress of having to deal with disgusting remnants of other peoples meals in order to just make room in the kitchen so that I may cook is inspiring some very violent thoughts. Le boy and I are moving in together (hopefully) by September 1st and quite honestly I am extremely excited to have my own kitchen. The move will prove to be interesting as I have decided to take three classes this for the fall semester. I always have the option of dropping but I hope that it won’t come to that. I’ll be taking English, intermediate HTML, and intro photography. I have a bit of a vain thought that perhaps I will do well in photography as I think I have a good eye but then again, this is my point of view. I’ll only be going to campus 3 times a week as the HTML class is online. I am some what confidant that will leave enough time in the rest of the week for homework.

Onward ho to the catalyst for this blog; an event has occurred that caused a couple of heartstrings to snap and fray. I’ve refrained from writing about this because I needed time to collect my thoughts and I think I’ve finally pieced them together into a comprehensive mosaic of sorts. A good friend of mine has seemingly decided to cut ties with me. This is a rather HUGE blow as she was the only one there for me during some dark brain times. Feelings that are associated with this whole situation: devastation, rage, confusion, hurt and…. an almost feeling of relief. Not because I wanted our friendship to end but it provided a clear picture of what our friendship had become. We had been growing apart more and more due to different life paths and distance. I find the reason for the friendship ending saddening and so very trifle. I told her how I felt about some of her actions and how they left me hurt. Her initial response was understanding but then a couple of messages on facebook made it clear that something had provoked a 180 on her mind.

This whole situation has thrown me for a loop due to the root being me saying how I felt. I am finally able to convey how I feel. Since this is new, people do not expect a backbone that ceases the apologies that used to accompany my words. I thought I lost a friendship in the past due to it and now this. If anyone has followed my blog for a bit you’ll recall an event at the end of last year where I kicked a good friend out of my house. I told her how I felt and it was seemingly dismissed and our friendship had waned. YET we still remained in contact. Ties weren’t severed completely even though I had let some serious pus out of my increasingly irritated heart wound.

Here is what sends me spinning. I completely opened up and (we’ll call the girl that I kicked out B and the friend that is dismissing me J) pointed out numerous things that B had done that hurt me and she still wanted to remain my friend. I said 2 things to J and now our friendship is seeming cut. There may have been more factors for her reaction but I am unaware of them.

But I am now going to allow my indignation to speak. There is no fairness in this. J has pointed out COUNTLESS things that I was doing that she was uncomfortable with or thought were immature. I say two things that she was doing that hurt me and suddenly I’m the bad guy. How is that fair? How is it fair to deny me the right to say how I feel? Even if it appeared to come out of nowhere how is it reasonable to dismiss an entire friendship? I always try and see every problem from every point of view but in this case… I just can’t. How is saying what I feel so horrific? I didn’t betray her, I didn’t harm anyone she loved, I didn’t spew noxious lies about her. All I did was say how I felt. It cuts deeply as it took a lot of courage on my part to do this. People that have tried to comfort me stumble over words and if nothing can be grasped they utter the ambiguous phrase “Perhaps you’re better off.”

I refuse to believe this and would rather not hear these words even though it is only meant to try and help. I had been adopted into a family that became my own and now I am shunned for saying how I felt.

Tears alone do not provide relief or even begin to express how I feel.

The part that provokes rage is if a friend told me what I passed on to her, I would be mortified, shocked and eager to prove that I did value them and was shamefaced for even making them feel that way. I would go on to try and explain that I was clueless that my actions warranted these feelings but I would try and understand them. Everyone interprets things differently and if I am unaware of causing discomfort I would like it pointed out to me.

Admitting or even typing this is incredibly hard as J might even stumble across this post but… I think that I am owed an apology as I have apologized countless times for inciting these feelings. But her words have cut deep and I don’t believe I should provide the band aid. I have a sinking feeling that if she does read this it will increase her anger and that saddens me as that is not my motive. This is my blog, my story and this is a chapter in it.
I dearly hope this chapter isn’t ending and that it’s only a space between paragraphs.

But I will stick to what I said as it was how I feel. These feelings are mine therefore I will own up to them and for once I am firm in this belief. If this causes an end to this friendship it will honestly break off a part of my heart. But I will still carry a fondness for the memories and an unwavering appreciation for all that she and her family have done for me. I won’t allow a bitter taste to muddle what was and I dearly hope that she won’t either.

This Blog is Brought to You By Medication.

I know it’s been awhile. A LONNNNNG while. It seems that I wasn’t the only one to drop off the blogging planet but I be back with plans to update AT LEAST twice a week.

Just cause.

This entry is a bit harder to write as I’ll be talking about medication. I was diagnosed with ADHD shortly after being diagnosed with Bipolar II and Panic Disorder. This is what makes Bipolar Disorder so incredibly hard to diagnose correctly as there are SO many other afflictions associated with it. Here’s just a few: alcoholism, drug addiction (this is due to the need to self medicate) Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Social Phobia. Because of the variation of disorders I have, finding the right combo of meds was extremely difficult as I need a sedative for the panic disorder and speed for ADHD. Ahh extremes just pop up every where with me, don’t they? lol

I did a 20 minute presentation on Bipolar Disorder for my Psychology class this last semester (a contributing factor to le absence). The information I found on Bipolar Disorder was more than a bit alarming due to the inconsistencies in various sources. I used the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) which is used in the US and in varying degrees around the world, by clinicians, researchers, psychiatric drug regulation agencies, health insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies and policy makers. Basically, it’s what is used to diagnosis a mental illness. BUT DO NOT USE THIS TO SELF DIAGNOSE! THERE IS A REASON PSYCHIATRISTS ARE DOCTORS AS THERE IS A CERTAIN CRITRIA THAT MUST BE MET IN ORDER TO BE DIAGNOSED THAT ARE NOT IN THE DSM. Self diagnosis and self medication are INCREDIBLY harmful and a bit insulting when you tell someone who has actually been diagnosed "Oh I think I'm Bipolar too because I'm so moody." Moodiness is not the main affliction of Bipolar disorder. Our moods are far more EXTREME than just being moody. There is a certain time frame that a mania, a hypomania, and depression lasts. This involves MONTHS, not hours. Moving on...

I also used the movie Mr Jones starring Richard Gere (and produced by him as well). It’s about a man with Bipolar disorder that falls in love with his psychiatrist. While the plot is a bit unbelievable, he does a pretty good job in depicting a person with Bipolar Disorder. At times it was incredibly hard for me to watch as I’ve felt that way and witnessed it firsthand. Here are a couple of scenes that stuck with me: While in the throes in a mania Mr Jones (Gere) is tied down to a gurney while the Dr’s explain to him that he is Manic Depressive (Bipolar). They refer to it as a disease that is treatable. He freaks out and starts screaming “I do not have a disease! This is me! This is who I am!” This ties in with the second scene that plucked more than a few of my heartstrings. He eventually commits himself and starts the medication process (keep in mind this was in 93 and meds have actually come a long way since then and that he was on lithium). He can’t deal and breaks down to his Dr saying “I’m a junkie, I need my highs. I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” Once again it was dead on. Giving up the ability to go non-stop on little to no sleep along with the creative surges I used to get is probably one of the most painful things I’ve done. But with the highs, are the lows. I definitely do NOT miss those. While I firmly believe that medication has saved my life, I still struggle with the idea of taking a pill to “correct” my brain.

Here is my current med line up:

• 250mgs of Lamictal
• 20mg of Adderall
• .5 mg of Klonopin when needed.
  

What I have tried that was unsuccessful:

• Lexapro: (SSRI) this is how we discovered that I was Bipolar. If you give an antidepressant to someone with bipolar disorder it sends them into a hypomania and holy fucktarts did it.
• Abilify: (antipsychotic) Worst expierence of my life. It fucked me in the head. For really
• Concerta: (ADHD med which is basically ritalin) I had absolutely no reaction to it. None. lol I am immune to certain kinds of speed (there are 2 classes of ADD meds).
  

The info on the current meds:

• Lamictal: is an anticonvulsant drug used in the treatment of epilepsy and bipolar disorder. It is the first medication since lithium to be granted approval by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the maintenance treatment of bipolar type I (it was approved in 2003). Chemically unrelated to other anticonvulsants (due to Lamotrigine being a Phenyltriazine), lamotrigine has relatively few side-effects and does not require blood monitoring in monotherapy. The dosage must be slowly increased from 25mg to 200mg. IT IS NOT AN ANTI DEPRESSANT AKA SSRI.
• Adderall: is a brand-name drug psychostimulant composed of mixed amphetamine salts, which is thought to work by increasing the amount of norepinephrine and dopamine in the brain. Adderall is generally more potent than Ritalin and has a longer period of efficacy, especially at lower doses.
• Klonopin: is a benzodiazepine derivative with highly potent anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant, and anxiolytic properties. It inhibits the synaptic transmission across the central nervous system ie is basically an emergency brake.
  

The good:

• Lamitcal: has had little to no side affects. It has also mellowed out the extreme moods and brought clarity to my overworking mind.
• Adderall: has saved my job. No lie. I finally understand what it is like for “normal” people. I can not describe how incredibly hard it was for me to function. I would try so hard to concentrate but racing thoughts made it almost impossible.
• Klonopin: has stopped many full-blown anxiety attacks.
  

The bad:

• Lamitcal: The side affects, while mild, are still things I would normally experience were I not on medication. The only prominent ones are a rash that happens from time to time and a restricted appetite.
• Adderall: my appetite has nearly disappeared and I have to constantly be reminded to eat. It’s getting a bit better as I actually get hungry from time to time. I also can only stomach the things I truly crave. I can’t have substitutes or I have to literally force myself to eat. I also can not have coffee as it triggers anxiety attacks.
• Klonopin: I honestly don’t really take this often enough to really feel any side affects. The reason for this is explained below.
  

The ugly:

• Lamitcal: carries a Black Box Warning which means it has the possible side affect of death. How it does this is a bit strange. It can provoke a life threatening skin reaction, including Stevens-Johnson Syndrome and Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis. Both of these basically cause cell death that in turn causes the epidermis to separate from the dermis. It is estimated that 5 to 10 % of patients will develop a rash, but that only one in a thousand patients will develop a serious rash. It is thought that one in 50,000 exposed patients may die from a rash. Nearly all cases occur in the first 2 to 8 weeks so I’m partially out of the danger zone. But still, scary shit.
• Adderall: It is Schedule II drug under the Controlled Substance Act which means it is in the same class as: Cocaine, Oxycodone (OxyContin), Methadone, Opium, Methamphetamine (Meth), etc. I am taking a drug that is one of the most addictive out there. It’s EXTREMELY difficult for me to take because I am willingly taking a drug that is in the same category as OxyCotin; the drug that pretty much destroyed my family. I also discovered, the hard way, that I can NOT drink coffee while taking it as is aggravated my Panic Disorder and I started having anxiety attacks. To make sure I DO NOT start abusing it (addiction issues run in my family), I do not take it every day and I am using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to train my brain HOW to concentrate. It’s actually working as I only take it during the work week and I’ve been skipping a day or two to see how well I function without it.
• Klonopin: It is the second most abused benzodiazepine in the USA. You can overdose on it, you develop a tolerance, and it has a common side affect of short term memory loss. For those of you that know me, you are already well aware of how horrible my memory is. I take this drug MAYBE twice a month. I will only result to it if I feel a hardcore anxiety or panic attack on the way.
  

So yeah. I know what these drugs do, I know what could it COULD do to me, BUT I know that these drugs are currently HELPING me. I can say that I have never been this happy or functional in my life. I do not plan on being on drugs forever but for now, I will stick to it as I know that they are saving my life. That may seem dramatic but you can not understand, relate or feel what it was like inside my head before. Just like I can not understand, relate or feel what it is like in YOUR head. All of our brains are wired differently and we all have our own understanding of the world.

So badabem badabom. This is my life and these are the tools that are helping me through it.

For now.

I am NOT saying that you need to take medication to "get better", I am just informing you of what works for me as this is my blog, my life, my story. Take from it what you will!