Friday, March 6, 2009

I Want My Family Back (Originally published on 11.30.08)

So I started this blog with the intent of being completely honest. Well here's the most raw entry yet.

I want my family back. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to see the forest green walls of my kitchen and worry about the numerous candles my mother would always have burning. I want to talk to my dad in front of our fire place while my mom puts the finishing touches on dinner at 9pm. I want to decorate Christmas cookies while laughing hysterically at my mothers nonsensical replies to my dads questions due to her inability to really hear anything he says. I want to play with our pug buster and marvel at how many things he could run into while chasing me. I want to giggle with my dad while my mother tries to sing Christmas carols but since she's tone deaf the dog would howl. I want to drive to my sisters house while blasting music and sing along. I want to have laughing fits with her at her ability to ALWAYS lose her pipe.

I want my family back.

I hate alcohol. I hate oxycotin. I HATE IT. I hate it so much it burns. How can something be legal that destroys so much. Why? Why? Why?

I want my dad to tell awkward jokes when he notices I'm down. I even want to see my mother's dramatic gestures while she tells a story. I want my family back. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of shutting down when people ask each other what presents they're going to get their family. I'm tired of people's pitying stares when they abruptly sidestep the conversation away from family issues. I'm tired of being jealous of peoples ability to really talk with their mothers.

I know it could be much worse. I know it could be. I understand this. But it hurts. I know I have friends. Wonderful friends. But I feel so very alone. At the end of the day most of them have someone to curl up to or a parent to offer comforting words. I read books with happy endings because that's the only thing that remains in my head as I drift of to sleep. I want to make amends with my parents before I lose them to death or illness. I want to talk to them but I don't know how. They haven't even tried to contact me. Why? What did I do that was so horrible? I defended myself. I offered support to a fake illness my mother produced while I've suffered in silence while ALWAYS comforting them. What did I do? Why can't they try? Why do I always have to be the one to extend the olive branch? They're twice my age and I am their child. Why can't they comfort me? Why? Why do I still feel like the little girl that was always separate from everyone. My sister said that I did it on purpose, that no one pushed me out. But wouldn't a parent be concerned if their child would hide during family functions?

Even though there was a great deal of pain inflicted to EVERYONE in my family, I still want them back. I want that unconditional love that is supposed to come from your parents. I know my parents love me in their own way. So why can't they reach out to me? Why couldn't they call me and ask how my Easter was? Or my birthday? Or my thanksgiving?

I know it could be worse. But honestly, I don't care. I want my family back.


T. said...

Maybe they feel you dont want to talk to them? I think you should give them a call and tell them how you feel and say "I want my family back". It never hurts to try!

+/- said...

I'd like to remind you, your mother is on a mental vacation and probably doesn't remember much, but your dad did email you. He didn't forget you.

Sweetie, things change in life. Sometimes even heartfelt traditions. It's a shame, but sometimes you have to decide to make new traditions. Even if it's just being around the friends you love.

I'm actually trying to figure that out for myself now. Especially since we're still thinking about Portland as an option. This weekend will help with that decision. But we don't do the same things we used to. And I miss it. But I try to make up for it in similar ways.

I know it's hard, but maybe just call to say hi. If you want, you can try in the car with me. We could even practice. It's about a 10 hour drive, and i have a power inverter for the car, so you can recharge your phone.

chelsea said...

sigh. i can both relate, and totally not relate to this. glad you're writing again. I'm crap right now. total crap.

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