Friday, March 6, 2009

My Brain Is Dribbling Out My Ears (Originally published on 11.17.2008)

For serious. It’s 5:10 here and I’m staring at my screen with a look that could rival a blank page. It’s frustrating to be trapped where you don’t want to be but it’s the best option for now. I’m sure once school starts again I’ll be a bit better. Or I could have another breakdown… let’s cross our fingers for the first option shall we? I also need to wash away this shame and just go. to. the. damn. guidance. counselor. I’ve missed two appointments with them due to my irrational fear of… well I don’t even know what the hell I’m scared of.

*frustrated sigh*

It may have something to do with my inability to ask for help, or my fear of being looked down upon (my rational side is beating the shit out of the irrational voice chanting “THEY’RE A FUCKING GUIDANCE COUNSELOR. THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO HELP MORON”) or it could be my anxiety being like “Yo Heather, remember me?”.


It’s strange to be frustrated but it’s like a “normal” frustration. As in, it’s not all encompassing. I can look around me at my mess and not want to jump into a vat of boiling water. I can distract myself from being frustrated but not from being tired. This whole… baggage shizzy needs to be checked and intentionally left behind on the plane that will crash and burn. I wish there was a way to stop these thoughts immediately. These thoughts that circle and twist while squeezing my guts. I need to sledgehammer this devious filter that jumbles what’s coming in and what’s going out. I would love to stop hating myself and punishing myself for inane things.

Ehh! Why can’t this just be instant? lol

I am terrible at waiting for things. I am terrible at practicing things. Re-routing the circuit board that is my brain will take time but I feel like it’s wasted. I want to go out and enjoy the things that most people get to do. Like going out and having fun without having a little breakdown before I go out because I loath what’s in the mirror staring back at me. I am exceptional well at recognizing other peoples problems and helping them in finding a solution.

Why can’t I apply that to myself?

*goes back to staring blankly at computer screen*

1 comment:

chelsea said...

Hey Hey. Wow, it's been goin' around lately. Is it a full moon? What? what is it? Well I hope you are reeling in those nasty thoughts, replacing them with good thoughts. What is looking back at you in the mirror is a FUCKING AWESOME person. Who is being TRICKED by that Jabberwock, who is a big fat liar, who only speaks NONSENSE. I know this probably doesn't help you right now, but I'm thinking of you, I'm rooting for you.

big hug!

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