Friday, March 6, 2009

Classless (Orginally published on 7.28.2008)

I’ve always been really good at disappearing. Sometimes I do it consciously, most of the time it’s a defense mechanism or an inability to deal with confrontation. I find myself beginning to distance myself from certain people once more. Right now I think it’s necessary as I can no longer choke back damaging words. I rarely react out of anger but I find myself biting my cheek or sliding my nails into my palm more and more. I have so much frustration and indignation stored up in me that when I do boil over it will not end well for anyone around me. See, I was taught to go for the throat hence my silence or strained smile when I find myself annoyed. But I am beginning to wonder now if perhaps these people need a wake up slap. Perhaps no one has told them they’re selfish and immature. Maybe they’re just always used to getting their way. I know I’ve bent over backwards far too many time to avoid stepping on toes. It’s funny. I have been encouraged to NOT talk about my problems with these people, the very people I call “friends”. Yet, when a mood happens upon them and they vent I listen patiently while offering encouraging words. Yes, I know my issues are a little more “weighty” than others, BUT how can you turn to me after venting and stifle any of my words about what’s bothering me? I believe I have the right to say “How dare you?”

I also find myself in this position with my family. I received an e-mail from my father informing me that I’m classless because I haven’t sent a card or called after my mother’s surgery. I was unaware that she even was scheduled to have a surgery. Why you ask? Perhaps because I haven’t spoken to her as I have not been able to find it in myself to forgive her for a multitude of things. I do not hate her. I will never hate anyone because that emotion is far too taxing to sustain. In her head the events that transpired during my visit to WI in December never happened. To her everything is forgiven and forgotten. And my father *bitter laugh*, where do I begin. Saying any thing ill about my father twists my guts and forms an icy lump at the back of my throat because it hurts me. I was a daddy’s girl. Now… I am a completely separate entity from my family. I talk to my sister and try to keep up with my cousins, but I know that I am failing at that. But for him to call me classless… I first read the e-mail yesterday and felt nothing. Only a mild curiosity at if he was prompted to send it due to my mother’s moping. Now I can say I’m pretty pissed off.

Me classless?



This is coming from man who has fed my mother pills and alcohol my entire life to keep her placated. This is coming from the man who stood by as my mother threw a punch at me. This is man who would throw objects at a child because he was frustrated. This coming from the man who couldn’t pick up the phone or send an e-mail when my mother wasn’t talking to me so he knew NOTHING of my life for 6 months.

If I am classless, haven’t I learned from the best?

I mean, really.

See, I knew that my mother needed to have a surgical procedure but I became unconcerned after she manipulated me ONCE AGAIN into believe that she was dying. She told me she had cancer when she didn’t. HOLY MIND FUCK. She knew I wasn’t ready to forgive her so what would speed up the process? Her convincing me that she was dying. And oh did it work. I called her, assured her that everything was going to be ok. I listened to her teary tirades about God and how she wasn’t scared. I was a mother to my mother, again. And then I get a phone call from my father letting me know that the RESULTS came back and it wasn’t cancer. WHOA WHOA WHOA. Results? How strange. I was told that the results had ALREADY COME BACK AND IT DIDN’T LOOK GOOD. Lies.

Yet I’m the classless one.

“Honor thy mother and thy father.”

No. It would be a waste of honor. In fact, right now I can’t think of them without wanting to spit in both of their faces. I do hope this feeling fades because it’s churning my guts to think so lowly of the people that gave me life. But I think that for once, it’s ok for me to be mad. Even if it’s only for a little while, I think I deserve that. I've tried to be all zen and not blame them, not be mad at them because they can't help it. But fuck it, they're the adults here. They have 20 years of experience that I don't, yet some how I've become the mature one.

I haven't responded to the e-mail nor will I until I speak with my therapist because I don't want to respond out of anger. I'm better than that and I don't want to sever ties with them because fucked up or not, they are my family. I know that if they read this they'd be hurt and angry... but I also hope it would make them value their words more.

Classless indeed.

1 comment:

+/- said...

sometimes that really is all parents amount to be: the people who gave you life.

and if that's the case, and that's ALL they ended up being, then where is the harm in severing the ties? blood? what does that really amount to? i mean, kids get adopted all the time and love their new parents quite fiercely. yet, if your birth parents teach you nothing but falsehoods, and twist the truth so you have to worry and wonder about everything (and don't say you don't. i can see in your head sometimes), then how are they really parents? of all the things you've told me about your past, did you dad every try to stop your mom from being a monster to you? when she and Troy(?) confronted you about how he would never love you? how was that in itself a sane thing to do, but where was your dad for that one?

i am NOT trying to blame. and i am NOT just trying to make you feel better, but really, question what it is to be and have parents. a parent is an educator, a disciplinarian, and to some degree, a friend. yours took everything from you, taught you false truths, and there was physical trauma too. how is that love? being a parent? it seems too damaging, physically, emotionally, and psychologically to remain attached to them.

as elfie's talk-doctor said, you're mom's a bitch. it's ok to hate her.

i love you heather. i know i type that and say it a lot. but i really do.

"i treasure your friendship!"

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