Monday, May 11, 2009

Brain = 1, Heather = 0

My brain and I have been debating on whether or not I should stop the meds. I keep asking everyone around me to see if they’ve noticed a difference. Their only remark is that I seem calmer. The reason why I am struggling with this thought again is because my luck in the no side affects department finally ran out. I have a rash and my memory is completely fucked. I was bad before but now…. Also… I don’t know if I can attribute this to the meds or not but my emotions are severely unstable. Er not like the happy/sad emotions. The “do I like this person” emotion. Recently I did a completely cunt move and blew off a really nice guy. I just stopped talking to him (yes I am absolutely aware of how incredibly low that is). But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to tell him

“Hey, I am fucking nuts and my emotional switch just shut off. You got shafted, sorry.”

What guy would believe that? It’s nauseating that the “It’s not you, it’s me” phrase actually applies to my brain. Because he truly did nothing wrong. He was quite sweet but I felt nothing. I said I did (yes, cunt move) because I truly WANTED to feel something. But I just couldn’t. I continued to follow through on going on a date with him due to something my sister said. She pointed out that whenever I get close to a guy, I push them away. This is true. I hate being vulnerable. I hate it. I’d rather get hurt than be vulnerable. You can’t really have a healthy relationship if you never allow the other person to see you vulnerable…. that’s kind of a HUGE part of intimacy.

I freely admit that I am a coward for doing what I did. I just honestly didn’t know what to say. But you see, life has a real funny way of kicking you in the ass. I thought I’d never see him again or have any connection to him again.


A friend of mine has just recently started dating his roommate.

Once more, ha.

Avoidance is something I am well versed in. It’s also something that I need to work on and clearly “the powers that be” agree.

So yeah. But! There’s more! I started um.. ugh I don’t know what the fuck the term is. “Seeing someone”? He’s amazingly awesome and I like him. I know that I like him. But my emotions wax and wane.


Why, why, WHY can’t I control my own fucking brain? I just want to like him and not worry that I will shut off. I have already but that was before we were even doing anything; that’s when we were in “crush more”. I just shut it off. It returned but… I know it could happen again. I warned him of this as well. I’m starting to get scared and want to pull away so that I won’t hurt him and honestly, probably because he’s seen me in a some what vulnerable state and that scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel like a turtle without a shell. I keep looking for flaws that would push me away but I honestly can’t find any which is awesome, but at the same time, WHY THE FUCK AM I LOOKING FOR FLAWS???

Maybe I’m making the meds a scapegoat to deal with my insecurities. Eh, why lie, I am. I just don’t know how to fix it and that scares me. It really, really, scares me. It’s a bit terrifying to know that your brain could just completely cancel any feelings you have for someone. Jesus fuck why can’t WE JUST GET ALONG?

Fuckity fuckin fuck.

Oh, sorry I haven’t written in here in so long… school and work stress kinda took over everything and my desire to write had diminished. I’m forcing myself to write this now so that I don’t completely fade into the oblivion. Hizzah for self discipline. Now I just have to pick up my fiddle again.