Friday, September 4, 2009


I’ve noticed that when mentally ill people “get better” they stop writing in their blogs. I’m not sure why because I think that’s the most important time to write. You’re showing people that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can assure you that will not happen to this blog. I have a mental disorder. I will never think the same way most people do. I will have to keep my brain in check for the rest of my life and I want to share that.


Many reasons. I thought I started writing this blog for me; to get things out of my head. But I realize now I really wanted people to read it. I wanted someone to see what I was going through and say “Me too!” I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just me. That’s the biggest thing with mental illness is that you feel alone, sometimes ashamed, and really just want someone to understand what is going on in your head. I found a community by writing this blog. I found other people that are going through the same thing and trying to help one another. For so long I thought I was weak for not being able to control my actions and my thoughts. I thought that I was just lazy and incompetent. But it’s because my brain is wired differently. But I don’t use my disorder as a scapegoat. I will take responsibility for my actions and I will always strive to be aware of the consequences, hence the “getting better”. I still have my days, my moments where my impulses control me but I recognize them now. Most of the time I am able to take a step back and ask myself if I’m making a good decision. But it’s exhausting. Keeping yourself in check is fatiguing. I can’t describe what it’s like in my head just like I can’t imagine what it would be like in the head of someone that can just be. To control your brain and not have it control you.

I write because I want to help people that are going through what I did. I don’t want them to feel alone, I don’t want them to think they’re weak and hate themselves. I’m honestly very lucky to be alive and I attribute it to being stubborn. I had suicidal thoughts take up residence in my head for a very long time but I refused to put anyone through that. Though I admit in my darkest times I just wanted the pain to stop and I wasn’t really thinking about anything else but getting through it. I have this disorder for life. It will not go away, it can not be cured. It can be controlled through medication and determination but it will always be there. Think of it like a scab that will never heal. It can still get agitated and infected and lead to serious problems if you don’t take care of it. But you will always need to take care of it.

It sounds daunting and sometimes it is but I can’t describe how happy I am right now. I have never felt this good, never. I am stable and oh how I relish it. I honestly never thought this would happen. Ever. But for anyone that’s reading this and going through a dark time IT.WILL.GET.BETTER you can get here too. I honestly know how that is inconceivable right now. But please, please, don’t give up. I’ve been there, I truly have.

I’m not saying that you need medication to get better. There are other methods. But please try. Being bipolar sucks because most of the time you firmly believe that nothing is wrong with you; that your personality is extreme. I won’t deny that I miss the highs. GOD I miss the highs. I miss being able to write until dawn and still function at work. I miss the overwhelming happiness that would randomly surge through my body. I miss being a ball of energy that could party every night. But I know that the highs were not worth what the lows did to me. The lows were all consuming and so very painful. I don’t miss being curled up in a ball begging my brain to stop, stop the racing thoughts, stop the voices that would tear me apart, that would convince me that I am weak and worthless, that I will never be loved.

I have the elusive balance that I never thought I’d find. I have a healthy relationship in which I know that I am loved. I have the reins of my brain again. But I know that it’s only because I fight for it. I can’t ever give up. I will never give up.