Friday, March 6, 2009

Trying (Originally published on 11.19.2008)

So yeah, I know that my posts vary from quirky adventures to weird reflections on my childhood, inner emotions, etc. I wish all the posts could be based on my misadventures or observations but there are a lot of things I need to process that happened years ago. Writing them helps me organize and face a lot of things I’ve shoved to the side for a very long time. Sometimes I secretly wish a family member would read it and go “Ohhhhhh, yeah, sorry about that”. I dunno. My brain is strange. When I went on medication, I mistakenly thought that it would some how give me self confidence and make my depressions go away. Well it did make my depressions fade to melancholy but it didn’t take away this crippling self hate that doesn’t seem to want to dissipate.


I am going to try and tone it down a bit though as I’m really not sure I want to go into the details of all my issues. I have a journal for that. Sooo yeah. lol I guess this is a weird apology in a way. I’ll write about my bipolar but leave my past out of it. Or at least parts that aren’t relevant… I think. Ahh ha.

Speaking of bipolar, as I mentioned before I’ve been in this weird state of melancholy that’s kinda disturbing my ability to work efficiently. I keep getting frustrated by how hard it is for me to focus. I’m pretty sure it’s not because of the medication because I’ve always had this problem. I put stuff off instead of just doing it and it’s definitely showing. Hell I can’t even focus on writing this post. I keep getting distracted or staring off into space. Maybe it’s from lack of sleep? I tried to get in bed by 11 but by the time I looked at the clock it was 12. Then I was too cold because I always leave a window open and had to cover my head with a blanket etc. I also woke up earlier then I have in awhile, 7:30. Ugh. I just hate going to bed. I feel like I hardly get any time in the day to do anything I’d like to do. I’m really not a big fan of my job but I know I have to do it because… in this economy, I really can’t get fired.

I need to learn self discipline. Ok, lets make a list Heather (yes, I am referring to myself in the third person… shhhhhhhhh).

1. Call the guidance counselor and GO TO THE FUCKING APPOINTMENT.
First part is kinda done. The dude was new and had no idea how to schedule anything so someone is going to call me back.
2. START WRITING MY FREAKING NOVEL ooooooooor my…coughcoughfanfictioncoughcough story. Yes, I do write that and am somewhat ashamed… BUT IT’S INSTANT FEEDBACK SO SHHHHHHHHHH. And fun. Shhhhhh
3. Try and complete a creative writing exercise from this book I have at least once a week and post it. WOO WOO.
4. Clean my sty of a room. I’ve let it go for far too long.
5. Actually set deadlines for myself at work and adhere to them.

I will be productive damn it!


chelsea said...

You've summed up my day in a long rambling post. I've been SO frustrated today by my lackofabilitytofocusandgetanythingdone. I hate it. So hey, did you see your breakdancing Lobsta over at the hubby's bloggy? You must go add on over there. What happens next??? For some reason, I have a hard time participating on my own hubby's blog, so you have to do it for me.

Well, if you find some magical productiveness, send it my way. WHat writing book is this you are wanting to do an exercise from each week? I should get it and do that with you. I have eight novels to write. Have you got Dorothea Brande's Becoming a Writer? Fabulous book. Too bad I have no amount of attention span that can get me into a schedule of any kind. I need a coach. Someone with a whistle that busts into my room every day and tells me what to do next in a hyper, overly peppy, and partly stern voice. Sigh. My brain is all confuddled today. I kind of want to just go to sleep and wake up awesome. Is that too much to ask for?

Paddym22 said...

Thanks for the comment. I am all with you on medicating. I think it vital in the management of the illness. I used to take loads, but now I am down to one and its cool..Certainly keeps me from crippilng psyhcosis and dank depression, so I am happy. Thanks for reading my blog and being a follower.

+/- said...

HEATHER!!! Don't forget: You also have A.D.D.

Duh... so it's going to be hard to focus. :)

And it's not your fault.

No comments:

Post a Comment