Friday, March 6, 2009

The Era of the Hudge (Originally published on 8.19.2008)

So (yes, I am aware of the fact I start most of my posts out with so. So?) today I started le meds. Honestly I keep expecting a switch to flip in my brain and a spotlight to suddenly train on me while a boy’s choir appears out of no where singing Hallelujah. So far I have been sorely disappointed…


I am aware that it will take 2-3 WEEKS (EEEK!) for me to really feel the benefits of this medication but so far I can report that it does make my burps pepperminty; a fact you surely wanted to know. Speaking of this medication good LORD was it a bitch to get! The first rx my Dr wrote wasn’t covered by my insurance so I had to wait (over the weekend) for him to send an rx that IS covered. Of course the little irrational voice in my head took this as a negative sign and was trying to convince the rational side that I shouldn’t start medication, that I could fix myself. But *ahem* we can all see how well that’s been working out for me. Denial, that is. I always thought that this was just how I was. That I was high then low then high then low then high then low then I SHOULD BUT A BOAT! That panicking over seemingly simple things was finnnnnnnnnne and totally “normal”. That not reacting while in mental turmoil was positively acceptable.


Of course this was aided by the fact that after I had my first breakdown in high school my mother claimed I was just being dramatic. HA! HA! HA I SAY! Yes, sliding a razor blade under my skin in an attempt to feel is TOTALLY dramatic. A total fake ploy for attention right? Except that NO ONE KNEW I WAS DOING IT. Unlike most cutters, I only cut deep on my lower stomach and hips. I’d scratch my arms with my nails or some other sharp object but that was easily covered up by just saying I had fallen into a bush or my clumsy ass had done something else like fall up the stairs. My mother would witness my violent mood swings and just say it was my period. OR OR OR she would leisurely lounge on the couch while guzzling beer from a wine glass and drawl “You’re sooo bipolar.”


Mommy Dearest had it right, but she used is a weapon and made it seem less than it was so I never sought out help. I was about 12 the first time she said that to me. But anyway, that’s old news. ONWARD TO THE FUTURE! One of my bestest friends in the whole wide world is out here and I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am to the powers that be that I am not going through this alone (shhhh yes, I know I have never been alone dear friends but I mean PHYSICALLY as we are sharing a room). We’re looking for a place to move to (after she finds a job) then her husband will drive out here and thus begins a new era in San Francisco - the era of awesome. Well… awesomer because when Julia and I were going out on the town, that was pretty fricken rad and Terese and I have had some times and the Age of the Heathi was fucking rad as well, and clubbing with Miss Tanya was always an adventure….

Ok, the Era of … Invigoration? Alteration? Metamorphosis? Satisfaction? Effort? Health? Ok, hows about the Era of Ms Hudge. Where I will be me but out of me head enough to be functional. Rad, yes? The Age of Humor, of Wine, of Laughter…. of…. YOUR MOM!

(come on! how could you NOT see that coming??)

So these little peps posts will continue till I convince myself to put on of my short stories up here.... *nervous laugh* I will soon. I promise!

1 comment:

+/- said...




i'm very happy for you to have started your meds. and i'm glad you didn't give any credit to this "bad sign" of having to get a new prescription. i can't wait to see what you're like when you're less crazy! yay!

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