Monday, July 6, 2009

Owning Up to My Feelings

Uh… ok, perhaps I was a bit overzealous when I said I would update three times a week. I believe I’ll start with a goal of once a week and go from there. Things have been ok on the brain front but I’ve started taking Adderall only twice a week as my “come down” is hellacious. I’ve broken down a couple of times in front of le boy which leads to humiliation at my lack of control.

Yesssssss, I am aware that I should not be afraid of showing my emotions but it’s hard to undo years of training.

Also, my need to control everything around me is becoming quite bothersome. I’ve taken to making lists not only for me, but for le boy as well. Additionally I’ve been trying quite hard not to freak the fuck out on my roommates. At this point I am pretty convinced that I am the only one that cleans. The stress of having to deal with disgusting remnants of other peoples meals in order to just make room in the kitchen so that I may cook is inspiring some very violent thoughts. Le boy and I are moving in together (hopefully) by September 1st and quite honestly I am extremely excited to have my own kitchen. The move will prove to be interesting as I have decided to take three classes this for the fall semester. I always have the option of dropping but I hope that it won’t come to that. I’ll be taking English, intermediate HTML, and intro photography. I have a bit of a vain thought that perhaps I will do well in photography as I think I have a good eye but then again, this is my point of view. I’ll only be going to campus 3 times a week as the HTML class is online. I am some what confidant that will leave enough time in the rest of the week for homework.

Onward ho to the catalyst for this blog; an event has occurred that caused a couple of heartstrings to snap and fray. I’ve refrained from writing about this because I needed time to collect my thoughts and I think I’ve finally pieced them together into a comprehensive mosaic of sorts. A good friend of mine has seemingly decided to cut ties with me. This is a rather HUGE blow as she was the only one there for me during some dark brain times. Feelings that are associated with this whole situation: devastation, rage, confusion, hurt and…. an almost feeling of relief. Not because I wanted our friendship to end but it provided a clear picture of what our friendship had become. We had been growing apart more and more due to different life paths and distance. I find the reason for the friendship ending saddening and so very trifle. I told her how I felt about some of her actions and how they left me hurt. Her initial response was understanding but then a couple of messages on facebook made it clear that something had provoked a 180 on her mind.

This whole situation has thrown me for a loop due to the root being me saying how I felt. I am finally able to convey how I feel. Since this is new, people do not expect a backbone that ceases the apologies that used to accompany my words. I thought I lost a friendship in the past due to it and now this. If anyone has followed my blog for a bit you’ll recall an event at the end of last year where I kicked a good friend out of my house. I told her how I felt and it was seemingly dismissed and our friendship had waned. YET we still remained in contact. Ties weren’t severed completely even though I had let some serious pus out of my increasingly irritated heart wound.

Here is what sends me spinning. I completely opened up and (we’ll call the girl that I kicked out B and the friend that is dismissing me J) pointed out numerous things that B had done that hurt me and she still wanted to remain my friend. I said 2 things to J and now our friendship is seeming cut. There may have been more factors for her reaction but I am unaware of them.

But I am now going to allow my indignation to speak. There is no fairness in this. J has pointed out COUNTLESS things that I was doing that she was uncomfortable with or thought were immature. I say two things that she was doing that hurt me and suddenly I’m the bad guy. How is that fair? How is it fair to deny me the right to say how I feel? Even if it appeared to come out of nowhere how is it reasonable to dismiss an entire friendship? I always try and see every problem from every point of view but in this case… I just can’t. How is saying what I feel so horrific? I didn’t betray her, I didn’t harm anyone she loved, I didn’t spew noxious lies about her. All I did was say how I felt. It cuts deeply as it took a lot of courage on my part to do this. People that have tried to comfort me stumble over words and if nothing can be grasped they utter the ambiguous phrase “Perhaps you’re better off.”

I refuse to believe this and would rather not hear these words even though it is only meant to try and help. I had been adopted into a family that became my own and now I am shunned for saying how I felt.

Tears alone do not provide relief or even begin to express how I feel.

The part that provokes rage is if a friend told me what I passed on to her, I would be mortified, shocked and eager to prove that I did value them and was shamefaced for even making them feel that way. I would go on to try and explain that I was clueless that my actions warranted these feelings but I would try and understand them. Everyone interprets things differently and if I am unaware of causing discomfort I would like it pointed out to me.

Admitting or even typing this is incredibly hard as J might even stumble across this post but… I think that I am owed an apology as I have apologized countless times for inciting these feelings. But her words have cut deep and I don’t believe I should provide the band aid. I have a sinking feeling that if she does read this it will increase her anger and that saddens me as that is not my motive. This is my blog, my story and this is a chapter in it.
I dearly hope this chapter isn’t ending and that it’s only a space between paragraphs.

But I will stick to what I said as it was how I feel. These feelings are mine therefore I will own up to them and for once I am firm in this belief. If this causes an end to this friendship it will honestly break off a part of my heart. But I will still carry a fondness for the memories and an unwavering appreciation for all that she and her family have done for me. I won’t allow a bitter taste to muddle what was and I dearly hope that she won’t either.

1 comment:

  1. this is a beautiful introspection, heather. even though I'm not involved in any of this stuff, it still kicks something inside me or my life. most of us have this kind of experience but not all get all emotional and self-critical like you. you seem to not have left with pure anger like the majority do, but deep sadness and an effort still to try to understand why you ended up like this. I mean, you can't just say "fuck it" which is just one aspect among others that I find myself similar to you :) like, how you make lists not only for you but for others (le boy? was this at your other blog?) directly applies to my personality too, though not nearly as intensively as it used to be :) will keep digging your writings. kisses..