This Blog is Brought to You By Medication.

I know it’s been awhile. A LONNNNNG while. It seems that I wasn’t the only one to drop off the blogging planet but I be back with plans to update AT LEAST twice a week.

Just cause.

This entry is a bit harder to write as I’ll be talking about medication. I was diagnosed with ADHD shortly after being diagnosed with Bipolar II and Panic Disorder. This is what makes Bipolar Disorder so incredibly hard to diagnose correctly as there are SO many other afflictions associated with it. Here’s just a few: alcoholism, drug addiction (this is due to the need to self medicate) Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Social Phobia. Because of the variation of disorders I have, finding the right combo of meds was extremely difficult as I need a sedative for the panic disorder and speed for ADHD. Ahh extremes just pop up every where with me, don’t they? lol

I did a 20 minute presentation on Bipolar Disorder for my Psychology class this last semester (a contributing factor to le absence). The information I found on Bipolar Disorder was more than a bit alarming due to the inconsistencies in various sources. I used the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) which is used in the US and in varying degrees around the world, by clinicians, researchers, psychiatric drug regulation agencies, health insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies and policy makers. Basically, it’s what is used to diagnosis a mental illness. BUT DO NOT USE THIS TO SELF DIAGNOSE! THERE IS A REASON PSYCHIATRISTS ARE DOCTORS AS THERE IS A CERTAIN CRITRIA THAT MUST BE MET IN ORDER TO BE DIAGNOSED THAT ARE NOT IN THE DSM. Self diagnosis and self medication are INCREDIBLY harmful and a bit insulting when you tell someone who has actually been diagnosed "Oh I think I'm Bipolar too because I'm so moody." Moodiness is not the main affliction of Bipolar disorder. Our moods are far more EXTREME than just being moody. There is a certain time frame that a mania, a hypomania, and depression lasts. This involves MONTHS, not hours. Moving on...

I also used the movie Mr Jones starring Richard Gere (and produced by him as well). It’s about a man with Bipolar disorder that falls in love with his psychiatrist. While the plot is a bit unbelievable, he does a pretty good job in depicting a person with Bipolar Disorder. At times it was incredibly hard for me to watch as I’ve felt that way and witnessed it firsthand. Here are a couple of scenes that stuck with me: While in the throes in a mania Mr Jones (Gere) is tied down to a gurney while the Dr’s explain to him that he is Manic Depressive (Bipolar). They refer to it as a disease that is treatable. He freaks out and starts screaming “I do not have a disease! This is me! This is who I am!” This ties in with the second scene that plucked more than a few of my heartstrings. He eventually commits himself and starts the medication process (keep in mind this was in 93 and meds have actually come a long way since then and that he was on lithium). He can’t deal and breaks down to his Dr saying “I’m a junkie, I need my highs. I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” Once again it was dead on. Giving up the ability to go non-stop on little to no sleep along with the creative surges I used to get is probably one of the most painful things I’ve done. But with the highs, are the lows. I definitely do NOT miss those. While I firmly believe that medication has saved my life, I still struggle with the idea of taking a pill to “correct” my brain.

Here is my current med line up:

• 250mgs of Lamictal
• 20mg of Adderall
• .5 mg of Klonopin when needed.
  

What I have tried that was unsuccessful:

• Lexapro: (SSRI) this is how we discovered that I was Bipolar. If you give an antidepressant to someone with bipolar disorder it sends them into a hypomania and holy fucktarts did it.
• Abilify: (antipsychotic) Worst expierence of my life. It fucked me in the head. For really
• Concerta: (ADHD med which is basically ritalin) I had absolutely no reaction to it. None. lol I am immune to certain kinds of speed (there are 2 classes of ADD meds).
  

The info on the current meds:

• Lamictal: is an anticonvulsant drug used in the treatment of epilepsy and bipolar disorder. It is the first medication since lithium to be granted approval by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the maintenance treatment of bipolar type I (it was approved in 2003). Chemically unrelated to other anticonvulsants (due to Lamotrigine being a Phenyltriazine), lamotrigine has relatively few side-effects and does not require blood monitoring in monotherapy. The dosage must be slowly increased from 25mg to 200mg. IT IS NOT AN ANTI DEPRESSANT AKA SSRI.
• Adderall: is a brand-name drug psychostimulant composed of mixed amphetamine salts, which is thought to work by increasing the amount of norepinephrine and dopamine in the brain. Adderall is generally more potent than Ritalin and has a longer period of efficacy, especially at lower doses.
• Klonopin: is a benzodiazepine derivative with highly potent anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant, and anxiolytic properties. It inhibits the synaptic transmission across the central nervous system ie is basically an emergency brake.
  

The good:

• Lamitcal: has had little to no side affects. It has also mellowed out the extreme moods and brought clarity to my overworking mind.
• Adderall: has saved my job. No lie. I finally understand what it is like for “normal” people. I can not describe how incredibly hard it was for me to function. I would try so hard to concentrate but racing thoughts made it almost impossible.
• Klonopin: has stopped many full-blown anxiety attacks.
  

The bad:

• Lamitcal: The side affects, while mild, are still things I would normally experience were I not on medication. The only prominent ones are a rash that happens from time to time and a restricted appetite.
• Adderall: my appetite has nearly disappeared and I have to constantly be reminded to eat. It’s getting a bit better as I actually get hungry from time to time. I also can only stomach the things I truly crave. I can’t have substitutes or I have to literally force myself to eat. I also can not have coffee as it triggers anxiety attacks.
• Klonopin: I honestly don’t really take this often enough to really feel any side affects. The reason for this is explained below.
  

The ugly:

• Lamitcal: carries a Black Box Warning which means it has the possible side affect of death. How it does this is a bit strange. It can provoke a life threatening skin reaction, including Stevens-Johnson Syndrome and Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis. Both of these basically cause cell death that in turn causes the epidermis to separate from the dermis. It is estimated that 5 to 10 % of patients will develop a rash, but that only one in a thousand patients will develop a serious rash. It is thought that one in 50,000 exposed patients may die from a rash. Nearly all cases occur in the first 2 to 8 weeks so I’m partially out of the danger zone. But still, scary shit.
• Adderall: It is Schedule II drug under the Controlled Substance Act which means it is in the same class as: Cocaine, Oxycodone (OxyContin), Methadone, Opium, Methamphetamine (Meth), etc. I am taking a drug that is one of the most addictive out there. It’s EXTREMELY difficult for me to take because I am willingly taking a drug that is in the same category as OxyCotin; the drug that pretty much destroyed my family. I also discovered, the hard way, that I can NOT drink coffee while taking it as is aggravated my Panic Disorder and I started having anxiety attacks. To make sure I DO NOT start abusing it (addiction issues run in my family), I do not take it every day and I am using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to train my brain HOW to concentrate. It’s actually working as I only take it during the work week and I’ve been skipping a day or two to see how well I function without it.
• Klonopin: It is the second most abused benzodiazepine in the USA. You can overdose on it, you develop a tolerance, and it has a common side affect of short term memory loss. For those of you that know me, you are already well aware of how horrible my memory is. I take this drug MAYBE twice a month. I will only result to it if I feel a hardcore anxiety or panic attack on the way.
  

So yeah. I know what these drugs do, I know what could it COULD do to me, BUT I know that these drugs are currently HELPING me. I can say that I have never been this happy or functional in my life. I do not plan on being on drugs forever but for now, I will stick to it as I know that they are saving my life. That may seem dramatic but you can not understand, relate or feel what it was like inside my head before. Just like I can not understand, relate or feel what it is like in YOUR head. All of our brains are wired differently and we all have our own understanding of the world.

So badabem badabom. This is my life and these are the tools that are helping me through it.

For now.

I am NOT saying that you need to take medication to "get better", I am just informing you of what works for me as this is my blog, my life, my story. Take from it what you will!

Brain = 1, Heather = 0

My brain and I have been debating on whether or not I should stop the meds. I keep asking everyone around me to see if they’ve noticed a difference. Their only remark is that I seem calmer. The reason why I am struggling with this thought again is because my luck in the no side affects department finally ran out. I have a rash and my memory is completely fucked. I was bad before but now…. Also… I don’t know if I can attribute this to the meds or not but my emotions are severely unstable. Er not like the happy/sad emotions. The “do I like this person” emotion. Recently I did a completely cunt move and blew off a really nice guy. I just stopped talking to him (yes I am absolutely aware of how incredibly low that is). But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to tell him

“Hey, I am fucking nuts and my emotional switch just shut off. You got shafted, sorry.”

What guy would believe that? It’s nauseating that the “It’s not you, it’s me” phrase actually applies to my brain. Because he truly did nothing wrong. He was quite sweet but I felt nothing. I said I did (yes, cunt move) because I truly WANTED to feel something. But I just couldn’t. I continued to follow through on going on a date with him due to something my sister said. She pointed out that whenever I get close to a guy, I push them away. This is true. I hate being vulnerable. I hate it. I’d rather get hurt than be vulnerable. You can’t really have a healthy relationship if you never allow the other person to see you vulnerable…. that’s kind of a HUGE part of intimacy.

I freely admit that I am a coward for doing what I did. I just honestly didn’t know what to say. But you see, life has a real funny way of kicking you in the ass. I thought I’d never see him again or have any connection to him again.

Ha.

A friend of mine has just recently started dating his roommate.

Once more, ha.

Avoidance is something I am well versed in. It’s also something that I need to work on and clearly “the powers that be” agree.

So yeah. But! There’s more! I started um.. ugh I don’t know what the fuck the term is. “Seeing someone”? He’s amazingly awesome and I like him. I know that I like him. But my emotions wax and wane.

It
fucking
sucks.

Why, why, WHY can’t I control my own fucking brain? I just want to like him and not worry that I will shut off. I have already but that was before we were even doing anything; that’s when we were in “crush more”. I just shut it off. It returned but… I know it could happen again. I warned him of this as well. I’m starting to get scared and want to pull away so that I won’t hurt him and honestly, probably because he’s seen me in a some what vulnerable state and that scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel like a turtle without a shell. I keep looking for flaws that would push me away but I honestly can’t find any which is awesome, but at the same time, WHY THE FUCK AM I LOOKING FOR FLAWS???

Maybe I’m making the meds a scapegoat to deal with my insecurities. Eh, why lie, I am. I just don’t know how to fix it and that scares me. It really, really, scares me. It’s a bit terrifying to know that your brain could just completely cancel any feelings you have for someone. Jesus fuck why can’t WE JUST GET ALONG?

Fuckity fuckin fuck.

Oh, sorry I haven’t written in here in so long… school and work stress kinda took over everything and my desire to write had diminished. I’m forcing myself to write this now so that I don’t completely fade into the oblivion. Hizzah for self discipline. Now I just have to pick up my fiddle again.

Tangled in Hate

I don’t know what to write, but I feel that I should because it’s been so long.

I can feel myself beginning to recede into myself again, hence the lack of writing. My moods have been shifting at a faster rate which is beginning to worry me. I am retaining my self confidence but I’ve started wake up at least 3 times a night and my thoughts jump from one subject to the next. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a spectator in my own head, that my thoughts and I are separate. I just watch them float by. I also did something a bit masochistic on Friday as well. I walked home from Sacramento and Fillmore. For those of you that know where I live you know that’s kind of a long walk. About halfway through I felt my tennis shoes start to rub my feet and blisters develop. Instead of getting on the bus, I just kept walking and now my feet are pretty much destroyed.

Perhaps this is just a melancholy mood that will pass but I admit I’m scared. It’s been awhile since I’ve been this down. It’s so fucking frustrating to not have a reason to feel like this. To just wake up and have my brain be like “Yo, I hate you.” I hate it. I HATE IT. I just want to BE. Fuck. Now my eyes are watering.

UGHHHH.

I really hope I don’t end up in a ball tonight begging my brain to stop. I wish that I could just have melancholy moods without it going some where deeper. I filed all my nails off so I can’t scratch myself, even though I want to.

I’m not eating much anymore. I’m pretty sure it’s the meds but it could be my mood too. I started taking the A.D.D meds and so far it hasn’t worked. The first day I took them I was a little hyper but now I feel nothing. My dreams have been extremely morbid as of late. They all have death in them. Either someone I know dies or I do. It sucks to go from being so happy to this.

I think it may have something to do with my mother. It seems whenever we are in contact I go from stable to “what the fuck is stability”. I just carry around so much anger and hurt. I want to be able to just let go of it. When I try I just become numb. I want to be able to forgive her. I do. I just….I know this will sound cold, but love is not a word I can attribute to her anymore. I will always respect her in a way because she gave me life. I know that she tried, at least… I think she did. Her actions were just so extreme. Either she’d be a super mom or she’d be the worst enemy I’ve ever had. I think part of the reason I’m angry is because I finally figured out what love is. It’s a balance. When you love someone, you will sacrifice your happiness to see them happy. BUT if it’s love, the other person would do that as well so you would find a balance. With my parents I feel like it’s my dad doing all the work. His back is in horrific condition but he still works. He has to because SHE refuses to get a job. She’ll say that she’s applied to places but I know she hasn’t. She has claimed that she had been working her whole life and deserved a break. That is so fucking selfish. What about EVERYONE ELSE? I would love a break. I’ve been working since I was 13. I started off as a dishwasher and haven’t been unemployed since. Wait, I take that back. I was unemployed when I moved here. What about my dad? What about my sister? What about the rest of the fucking world? I just can’t comprehend her complete lack of awareness to the people around her. It’s always about her, how she was hurt, how she worked hard, how she did this, did that. She expects so much from the people around her but she doesn’t give. Well… to her giving means buying someone a present. I don’t think she understands how to give mentally. I’ll never forget the day that she had officially moved back in after she left my father and me. I came home and she was downstairs with my dad. She was all smiles and urged me to go upstairs. I walked into my bedroom and found misc presents on my bed. I remember staring at them in shock and having her come up behind me and asked if I liked everything.

Really? After all the shit she pulled she thought a necklace and some clothes would make everything suddenly better? When you refuse a gift from her she instantly gets hurt. She loved giving gifts and I think, to her, that’s giving. There has to be a physical gift because she doesn’t know how to just give.

Ah yes, this brings me back to a week before my surgery. She found out THROUGH FUCKING FACEBOOK that I was having surgery. She called me and asked if I wanted “Mama” there. I said no, I didn’t. There was silence at the end of the line.

“But why? I’m your mama.”

I was floored. Really? REALLY? After almost a year of not talking and her random spiteful fucking emails, she wanted to be my “mama”.

I snapped. I started screaming. I let go of everything I was holding in. I yelled at her for not acknowledging that I was bipolar. I yelled at her for laughing in my face when I told her I was depressed when I was 14. She said that it was normal. It wasn’t. Normal is teenage angst. Normal isn’t slicing your skin to feel. Normal isn’t hiding in your closet rocking back and forth begging your brain to stop hating you. Normal isn’t hiding in the bathroom during lunch because you’re having a panic attack. Normal isn’t hating yourself so much that you wear baggy pants and a black sweatshirt in 100 degree weather because you can’t stand to see your own body. Normal isn’t feeling so ashamed to cry that you just stop crying all together. Normal isn’t wanting to die because you can’t take the hate anymore. The hate that fills every pore, the hate that makes you want to scratch your skin off, the hate that constantly tells you that are nothing, that you will never be anything. Angst is supposed to dissipate after puberty; all this was happening up until last year. I screamed at her for not even TRYING to support me. Then she had the AUDACITY to ask me if I had taken my meds that day because I was “acting unstable”.

I hung up on her and started sobbing. The kind of sobbing where you feel like you’re going to throw up and you can’t breathe. She made me doubt if I was mentally ill AGAIN. I called my friend Julia to ask her if I was crazy, she assured me that I was and that I wasn’t making all this up. Then we started laughing because I need to be reassured that I am, in fact, crazy. When I left my room, my roommate Ariel immediately embraced me. Apparently I really was screaming.

I felt relieved after but not healed. I will never feel healed because she will never, ever be able to comprehend anything she has done. She just isn’t in reality. I have to accept that, I have to let go. But I can’t. I can’t let go of the anger I feel towards her because she’s not even trying. I can’t let go of the fact that she has made up a completely different life then the one she actually lived. I can’t let go of the fact that she can still get to me, that she can still make me doubt myself. Dealing with this shit is already hard enough. Taking medication is so unbelievably hard for me to do. I don’t want to but I know that if I don’t I will go back to being even lower. I will go back to not being able to control my actions. I can’t do that. Maybe one day I’ll be able to stabilize myself and stop the meds. That’s what I’m striving for. But for now, I need outside help. I need to be ok with the fact that I asked for help. I need support from the person that is supposed to love me. I know my dad supports me. I know that he knows everything he did to hurt me and actually feels sorry for it and he has apologized. That’s why I carry no anger from him.

I need to stop typing because I’m clenching my jaw and am near tears.

I just want to let go and just be. God I wish I could just let go.

Explanations

So, I've moved all of my "mental" posts from The Discovery of Stuff and Things to this blog because I felt like everything was getting too jumbled. I want people to read my stories and musings but I find the heavier stuff scared them away.

So, Voila! Here is the Mental Me.

I'll still be writing just as much and letting y'all know what's going on in my brain, good or bad.

As I just had 4 fillings this is all I'm going to write for now!

Melody (Originally published on 3.3.09)

Yesterday was not a good day... in the beginning. On my way to my fiddle lesson I had to quell the rising anxiety and clench my jaw and fists in order to stop my chest from heaving and my brain from racing. I got to my lesson and was a bit skittish at first and I lied and said that I was over medicated on allergy meds. Which is actually comical because I was actually under medicated; I refused to take a Klonopin because I wanted to get through it on my own. But as I pulled out my fiddle and warmed up... I warmed up.

Everything faded away and I could only concentrate on the vibration of sound rippling through my chest. That's why I chose the fiddle. The sound reverberates through your chest, down towards your limbs and wraps around your head, cutting off anything outside of the melody.

After I was done playing, all the noxious fumes left over from the darkness in my head had faded away.

I found my heart home, and it's in a harmony I can create.

I'm better than fine.

Smile (Originally published on 3.2.09)

My brain and I are not getting along today. Spelling has become an issue as my memory seems to get worse and worse. I can’t tell if it’s because of the medication or I’m just not accustom to using it as it seems every electronic device is supposed to do it for you. You don’t have to remember phone numbers anymore, meeting times, Dr’s appointments, birthdays, etc.

I’m frustrated because I missed my Dr’s appointment this morning due to roommate issues and muni being a bitch and I get to pay the $110 missed appointment fee. So I’m back to flogging myself due to my lack of self discipline for not waking up earlier. I’m irritated as hell and it’s showing every where. I’m irritated for not writing enough, I’m annoyed because it doesn’t seem to flow anymore. Any lyrical sentences that used to spew forth from my fingers are now dull and drab.

I hate this. Is it because of my medication or do I seem to just not have time anymore? Let’s look at my schedule:

Monday - Work, then fiddle lessons, then visiting House of Shields to keep the bartender, who is a great friend, company. I usually get home around 11 so I try and go to bed right away but that never happens.

Tuesday - Work, studying for psychology and practicing the fiddle. I greedily suck up this night because it’s the only night I have to really do anything I want to do so I usually end up going to bed at about 1.

Wednesday - Work, then class (yoga) until 8:30. I usually walk to Church and Duboce from Noe and 24th or I just walk home so I have time to think and just explore the many crooks and crannies that San Francisco has to offer.

Thursday - Work, then Psychology until 9. I usually get home at 10ish so I’m supposed to try and go to bed by 11 but, once again, that never happens as I just want to sit and read or play around on the computer for a bit. I’m usually too exhausted to write anything creative because my brain has usually shut down at this point.

Friday - Work, then therapy, then usually hanging out with my friends as I usually don’t have time during the week to do so.

Saturday & Sunday - “Relax time” which is basically me sleeping in until about 1pm then lounging around until I possibly go out with my friends again. I usually try and practice the fiddle or study but I never do.

Yeah. I’m tired; all the time because I don’t sleep. I have no willpower to force myself into bed by 11. I constantly have bags under my eyes and my brain is all fuzzified at work.

Also, every day I have to keep my thoughts in check. I have to make sure that I’m not taking matters into extremes or that I’m not slipping into a hypomania or depression. I have to watch what I say, what I do, what music I listen to, try and filter whatever I say so that I don’t later regret it. I’m on the verge of crying now just because I just want to have a day where my brain just functions without me regulating it.

You know, like the majority of people I pass on the street. People that don’t have to worry at a sudden wave of happiness or sadness because it’s just an emotion that can fade as easily as it came, where as I have to make sure that it doesn’t linger or intensify to the point where I want to point out the beauty of the world to random strangers on the street or I get home and curl up into the a ball, rock back and forth and just sob for no reason.

I also have to make sure that when a feeling of panic or anxiety arises I have my pills and try and control it while I’m surrounded by people and have to smile and pretend that I’m just fine; which I am very, very good at.

I just want to work, to function without thinking about EVERYTHING. I want to write blogs that are chipper or fun and inspiring and filled with sentences that are lyrical and poignant.

It’s funny, before I started taking medication I wouldn’t react correctly to a situation. I would go to extremes over small things and be comatose to traumatic experiences until a few months passed. Now my emotions are just below the surface and for me, it’s irritating as hell. Right now I feel the prickle of tears and I hate it. I HATE IT. But it’s “normal”. You’re not supposed to wrap an emotion into a ball and throw it to the back of your brain so it bounces back months later or blows up due to the intensity of the emotion and I go ape shit on whoever is near me.

Back to work, back to work. Here comes another gilded smile and the clenching of hands and teeth to force the tears away while pretending everything is just fine. Like usual.

Smile for the camera Heather, everyone’s watching. Smile for the camera Heather, no one wants a sad face. Smile for the camera Heather no one wants to be depressed after hearing you talk. Smile for the camera Heather.

Smile.

4 comments:

T. said...

Don't smile if you dont feel like it! It bothers me when people ask me to smile......why should I smile if I dont feel like it? What's the point? If I'm having a bad day I want the world to know, and I think you should do the same! I'm sorry you had a bad day, I know how that feels :(

happyian said...

I really like the name of your blog.

DigitalApprentice said...

damn girl. the worst part of writing truer than true words like that is the fact that everyone around you, well not everyone, but a large majority, or fuck that, never mind, I'll speak for myself - I relate completely. I know that won't help you dealing with this tumultuous period of your life, but that last portion about smiling for the camera is super prevalent in my life as well. I always seem to overlook my own emotions and belittle them due to this omnipresent birds-eye view of the human race that seems more relevant. or more important at least. I think, "what does this little human (talking about myself in times of distress) really have to be sad about? why is he so confused? why can't he just lighten up like those around him? why does he pout so when he's alone? what's truly is the point of him absolutely doing nothing other than staring at a wall he'll eventually hit? oh, how funny, he did hit that wall. see I predicted it. what a predictable little human. and look, he can't stop thinking about someone watching him. He's trying to prove to me that he's doing something constantly, but can never rid himself of the constant watch he feels he's under. Oh, now he's trying to convince himself that he's not ashamed of masturbating, or looking at himself in the mirror, or choosing to read some political book that he'll never truly understand and only seems to be trying to retain morsels or information only to repeat them as some banality in casual conversation. what is really interesting to this human? it must be that he's interested in the fact or belief that someone is always watching him. because look, he can't stop thinking about it. how sad. look at all those other humans around him, just casually living their lives with out the constant fear that some non-existent higher being is judging their every move. why is this little human plagued by that? well, that's his own problem. I'll just sit back and watch and observe him self destruct into either tears or a desperate need of sleep with the hope of never waking up. How odd this human is..."

I don't even know where I was going with that, but those thoughts are very prevalent in my reality, just as they are in other people's world. It may seem that you're alone, but fuck it we all are. I've seen people who have issues that I truly can't even imagine having, yet understand that everyone does seem to be plagued by someshit or another. coffee, hobbies or pills all just seem to exist to distract us from those terrible truths of self hatred and over hyper self consciousness. I'm not trying to give advice or even try to help you in any way, I'm just writing to basically let you know you made my mind wander into realms of life people rarely touch on. and here it is: a reflection of that. thanks and keep pushing

NerdOneirik said...

T. - ehh, not good at showing my real emotions, as you well know.

happyian - Thanks! lol

DigitalApprentice - lol you know what I think ;)

Stepping Out of the Ring (Originally published on 2.11.09)

So, a few months ago I wrote a blog about a friend that I thought had betrayed me and used me. Looking back I now understand that my reaction was a bit…exaggerated. It was necessary to react but I could have done it far more logically. But, this was at the time when my meds hadn’t kicked in and my brain was malfunctioning in the worst way. I had warned her before she came out here that my behavior would be completely erratic and I would be extremely difficult to be around. She assured me that it would be fine.

It wasn’t.

I understand how hard it is to be around someone that has a mental disorder. I was raised by a woman that has more than one. I remember being so frustrated with the fact that she couldn’t seem to comprehend the simplest things. She dealt with a lot of things by creating her own reality; “remembering” things that had never happened, blaming everyone around her for the situations she put herself in. She has yet to resurface to what is considered “the real world”. I’m not sure she will ever be able to and I now understand that I have to accept that. I can’t blame her for her actions as she really isn’t aware of the hurt they cause. She’s just not here anymore. I think at times she has visited reality but she could never accept responsibility for what she did consciously to hurt people so she’d allow herself to get pulled under once more.

Back to the friend I freaked the fuck out on. After I pretty much exploded, our friendship unwound and become threadbare. I felt betrayed because even though she promised she could deal with my disorder, she couldn’t and it seemed that she didn’t even try. Another part of me was disgusted with myself for blaming the disorder for my actions. I wanted to take full responsibility for them. But, as hard as this is for me to type, I can’t take responsibility for things I can not control. I also can’t be mad at people that don’t understand why I react the way I do. All my warnings and explanations can’t really prepare someone for what could happen.

We’re beginning to reform our friendship and for that I am extremely grateful. She’s seen me through a lot of hard times in my life and is the oldest friend I have. We had lunch today and we talked about what happened some more and it sucked because she said something that I really didn’t know how to respond to. She said it wasn’t fair that she had to change her actions and demeanor because of my mind frame. I was silent for a bit and reluctantly said “I warned you and because of that, you should have.” Saying that was incredibly hard for me. I don’t want to be treated any different but the fact is I don’t think the same way others do. Now that I’m stable, people don’t have to tip toe around me anymore but when I was at my lowest, unfortunately people did. If someone is unable to walk would you huff at the fact that it takes them forever to get some where?

This is the hardest part about being bipolar; getting other people to understand that it’s real. I still struggle with it. Like Girl said in one of her comments, if what we had was physical and were on medication for it, people wouldn’t bat an eye at our erratic behavior because they can physically see that we are in pain. But because it’s mental and because we can still some what function in the “real world”, people think it’s an excuse. But why would anyone want to react the way we do? Why would anyone want to break down in public and lose reality? Who would want their friends to think they’re flaky and overly dramatic or exhausting to be around? Why would they want to be belittled their entire life for reacting in extreme ways? I think that because of our conversation I can stop blaming myself for things I did while manic. I can stop beating myself up for things that I said, things that I did because… I couldn’t control it.

Holy fuck this is hard to type.

I apologized to her for 2 reasons. I apologized because had it happened now, I wouldn’t have reacted like that. I apologized because she had to go through that. BUT I can not apologize for what my reaction was then because it wasn’t under my control. I can look back and understand that I did overreact. I can acknowledge my actions now because I am stable and I think that’s what separates me from my mother. I don’t pretend it didn’t happen, I own up to the fact that my actions were fucked up. But I now understand that when I say I am taking responsibility it means I am not blaming myself, I am not copping out and using my disorder as a scapegoat, I’m not making excuses; I am acknowledging what happened, but understanding that at the time I did not have the capability to react rationally. She considered this and said that she should have been more aware of it.

I know that some people will read this and roll their eyes because they don’t believe in mental disorders or whatever. I have to let go of the anger it provokes in me because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The only opinion that should matter to me is my own. And right now, my belief is - sometimes I honestly do not have control over my brain. Admitting that to myself and typing it scares the shit out of me but it’s true and if people disagree with that I can’t let it affect me.

I always say “It could always be worse”. And it could but I shouldn’t feel guilty for being in pain. I shouldn’t mentally beat the shit out of myself because what some people consider trivial really hurts me. I shouldn’t feel guilty for being Bipolar. And I’m going to try my damnedest to stop because I can’t carry what isn’t mine. I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. The bell rung, I'm dropping the gloves and stepping out of the ring. You can't fight yourself because you'll spend most of your life fighting for the right to be who you really are and you'll need all the strength you have to win that battle.